Saturday, July 6, 2013

My 4th of July feast can never come true.

Fourth of July just passed and I wanted to celebrate in a big way.  I didn't want hot dogs or hamburgers.   No steaks or potato salad.  I wanted to eat the most patriotic thing I could think of.  BALD EAGLE!

Then came the dilemma.  How does one acquire some bald eagle?  The simple answer.  You can't.  I looked on and on eBay after I tried finding a butcher or exotic meats vendor.  Well, bald eagle is a little too exotic.  It turns out that it is illegal to buy bald eagle meat because........... it is illegal to hunt bald eagles!

Conservation groups that raise the birds from hatchlings are no help either.  Apparently, they only raise them to release them into the wild, and are not a 'farm' that will sell a bird to a private citizen for the purpose of consumption.

It's not like I was trying to buy crack, or traffic a human being, or do something insane.  I just wanted to taste freedom and have the patriotism course through my veins and digestive system.

I even had ideas on how to dress and prepare the bird.  Rotisserie with an orange sauce.  Deep fried with cajun spices.  Baked and stuffed with sausage and corn bread.


Sometimes I just shake my head and laugh.

I was driving back from a movie with a friend on Saturday night.  I'm not sure why, but we started talking about my brother.  Then the phone rang.  It was the same brother I'd been talking about at that moment, and since my friend had never heard the lunacy that comes out of my brothers mouth, I decided to put him on speaker phone.  This is what transpired.

Me:  What's up fool?

Brother:  Holy shit, dude.  You won't believe what just happened.  It's so fucking weird.

Me: What?

B:  So I guess somebody has one of my old phones and posted pics to my Facebook with it.  I don't know what phone it is, but it's not the one I'm using because it doesn't have those pictures.

Me:  So what's the problem?  They're just pictures.

B:  They're pictures of my dick.......... and some big shits that I took.

Me:  (confused)  Why do you have pictures of your dick on an old phone?

B:  That's not the problem right now!  How do I get the pictures off of Facebook?

Monday, January 28, 2013

Really? Fairness is that important, America?

Everything we do in this country is so passive aggressive now.  People can no longer say what they feel out of fear of political correctness.  Every special interest agenda has to be taken into consideration. Additionaly, we keep getting hit with more and more rules to follow, in order to 'protect' our citizens and their feelings. It's sickening. 

When I told somebody that I did not believe women should be front line combat troops, the room went silent.  "How could you say that?"  "You're a sexist!"  Sure, why not.  I'm a sexist because of one thing, I can piss standing up.  That's why women shouldn't be front line.  Sounds stupid, sure.  But think about this,  I am holding point by an alley and I have to piss.  I have been blessed with the ability to pull my dick out and go.  A female will have to squat and drop her pants, losing mobility and precious seconds.  Moments matter in a fire fight. Have a female get taken POW and a rape, or gangrape happens.  Have a female engage in sex with a male battle buddy and get pregnant.  None of these are good things.  They asked me about gays in the military afterwards, I said I have no problem with it.  "Huh, that doesn't make sense?"  Sure it does.  I don't care if the guy next to me is gay, just put rounds down range.  Then we watched a 'What Would You Do?' program showing two guys dressed in ACU's kissing on each other.  I explained they should be reprimanded.  Once again, "How dare you?!?".  It's called the Uniform Code of Military Justice and the rules and regulations regarding military bearing while in uniform.  I don't care if it's two guys, two girls, or a traditional married couple.  You do not perform public displays of affection while wearing the uniform.  My point is that America is so hell bent on 'fairness' that it fails to see basic logical ideas. 

There are groups in this country trying to ban words.  WORDS!  Words like "Retarded".  I don't think I have ever called a retarded person 'retarded'.  I have however, called many people and a lot of their ideas 'retarded'.  Mostly because they're, well, fucking retarded.  Sometimes the word used is the most exemplary example of the situation. Midgets are fighting to have the word 'midget' banned.  Sorry guys, I love you, but you're midgets.  Would you prefer Keebler elf, leprechaun, or some other sarcastic term.  I like to use L.P. (short for little people... get it), but not everyone is hip to that jargon yet.  So midget it is until then.  Even word problems are getting hammered.  Apparently, using certain words for word problems on tests can be considered offensive.  Are you fucking serious?  Here is an example:  Johnny was given 6 toy dinosaurs on his birthday, but chose to give two to his brother.  How many toy dinosaurs does Johnny have left?  The answer:  This question is insensitive to my faith by insisting that dinosaurs existed, as I do not believe in the theory of evolution. Furthermore, as a practicing Jehovah's Witness, birthdays are an unacceptable form of self worship. Ridiculous.  Apparently, our future generations of entitled brats will not be able to deal with life, because so many things will offend them.   Don't believe me, just google 50 banned words in New York.

Football players are suing the NFL because of brain injury.  Apparently, when they started playing the game, they were grossly unaware that they may get hurt. I should sue the U.S. government for the injury and mental strain given to me during multiple tours in Iraq. Now, protecting oneself isn't necessarily a pussy move, but the fact that the NFL has given us an insane amount of rules that prevent people from getting hit is. Now we are going to be treated to a tamer, much safer version of the game, in order to help prevent people from getting hurt.  If the trend persists, we will see a game of professional two hand touch. I have always loved football, but because of the focus on injuries now, parents are crying about the violence involved and how it can hurt their kids.  Shut Up!!!!  It's a game!  I am less worried about my kids being hurt on a football field as compared to the stupid shit they can think up to do on their own.  Yes, football is a sport where you can get hurt, but it's ok for your kid to watch Jackass and try to jump a moving car?  This recent spat of complaints is both pussy and retarded.

I can go on for days.  Fashion is gay now (so fashionistas and gay people are now offended).  Guns don't kill people, stupid motherfuckers with guns kill people (explain how my comment is hurtful to anti-gun supporters and stupid motherfuckers).  I like fur, you don't have to, but I don't think that's a reason to ban it. (Holy shit! Somebody at PETA just had their head explode)  Maybe we can help to legalize and regulate prostitution. (The people behind Prop 35 in California aka Stop Human Trafficking will now try to have me arrested under their law)  If my kids want to pray in school, why stop them?  Atheists don't have to say 'Under God' during the pledge of allegiance. (Whoa!!!! The secularization of education in America is only allowed in favor of those that don't believe in God, but actual fairness means nothing.)

Life isn't fair.  Deal with it.  I have to deal with people that anger me all day long, and they should have to deal with me as well.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Working from home

I wish I could work from home. It would save me gas for my car and have time for my family. And it would afford me the opportunity to do weird shit while talking with customers without the threat of being fired.

I could cut oranges with a samurai sword.

On break I could have sex.

I could urinate in a 2 liter bottle so that I wouldn't need to take bathroom breaks.

Porn or ninja movies could play in the background (on low volume, of course).

I could make a list of people to kill when the zombie apocalypse arrives.

I could sit around in a leather g-string while covered in peanut butter.

I could make Jell-O molds while naked, but wearing socks.

Manscape my testes, 'nuff said.

I could play with my nipples.

The opportunities that would be available would be endless. And all of these people that work from home are probably squandering the opportunity that has been afforded them.

No more free passes

Since I'm on the parenting rant, people need to stop giving their children free passes through life.  When people fuck up, there are consequences, or at least there should be.

I see too many parents not disciplining their little angels and turning a blind eye to obvious stupidity committed by said angels.

When a teacher calls to tell you that your kid is acting a fool in class and refuses to do work, then side on the side of the teacher until your kid can prove otherwise.  Stop vilifying a teacher for doing their job, and smack Junior upside the head instead.  America is falling behind in academics because their is a serious lack of circumstances for fucking up nowadays.

Years ago, my aunt's son had an issue that when he wasn't being paid attention to when he wanted, he would drop his pants and shit on the floor.  She put him on timeout.  That's stupid.  It does nothing, especially when the parent does not set any parameters for the punishment.  She called my father and told him the problem.  She then asked, "what do I do?"  My father responded, "Rub his nose in it next time."  My aunt was appalled. She could only respond with, "how could you think that?!?  That is what you do to a dog!!!"  My father responded with a simple, "Well, my dog doesn't shit on the floor."

Simple logic for simple issues, but if we do it, we are sent to CPS for bad parenting, and in the mean time these kids have nobody in charge of them to teach them how to act in society.

I get it, I have a blog where I talk crazy shit, but I still parent my children.  Reading it is a choice, but as a parent, I limit those choices my children have to what I find acceptable for their age and maturity level.

Oh, and bring back failing a grade.  If a kid doesn't want to put forth the effort to pass a class, then hold the child back.  Embarrassment is an amazing motivator, and if the threat of it is apparent, watch how hard they put their little asses in gear to pass.

Stop giving kids horrible names

Parents must hate their children. I keep seeing and hearing kids and adults with horrible names. The type of name that makes somebody want to kill themselves.

Adding "la" or "da" infront of other words does not make a good name.  Also, no naming children after alcoholic drinks.  I met La'Reesa and Da'Felix a few weeks ago.  I also overheard a conversation between two people of which one was named Alize.  I also know of a couple that named their newborn child Zippo.


Dog Food

Daniel:  "So, I've got Jake the Dog on a new diet.  Guess what I'm feeding him?"
Me: "The souls of stillborn kittens."
Daniel: "Well yeah, of course I'm giving him that, but I also give him dog food and add the vegetable fiber left over from my vegetable juicer."