Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I am not that kind of Messican!!!

The latest telephone poll taken by the office of theGovernor of California asked whether people who livein California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

A) 35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

B) 65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio."

While this is funny it's also probably true. The problem is that it was probably asked in Spanish. Quick way to find the illegal - Ask in English.

Midgety type stuff

I love midgets. My folkers know this. I can't help but watch midget wrestling, midget tossing, the special CSI episode with the midget convention. I'd probably rent midget porn if my wife wouldn't look at me crazy. I'm not trying to knock "little people" in any way, believe me, it's one of those things I can't seem to help. I also love music about them. Here's 2 tracks about them that I love.

Benefit - If I owned a Midget

Crooked - Midgets are Scary

Coming up shorter than a million midgets masturbating

stomach and poop

I miss normal stomach. See, I've got some kind of funky stomach condition that the docs can't put there fingers on (but who wants to put there fingers in poop anyhow?). Since '01 I've suffered from horrible stomach pains, bad enough to make me actually double over in agony. They've C-scoped me twice, you know, the long camera they shove up your ass to take pictures. The sad thing is that the doctor wouldn't let me keep my colon pictures to use as X-mas cards. The first time I got it done it was on base (former active duty troop here) and I learned about Lidocaine (i think that's how it's spelt) and it's amazing numbing powers. They gave me a shot in my hand and it burned like a summamabitch for about 4 seconds then ---- nothing. It felt like nothing. Then the med tech comes in to give me an IV in that same spot with this horrendous needle that looked like a 12 gauge metal, and jabs it into my hand. I felt nothing, not even a pinch. Wow!!! I asked the guy if he could take about 15 of those shots and hit me in the chest with them and then take random stabs at me with a scalpel. He had no humor either. The only thing fun about that procedure is the drugs. I don't know what they give you, but you stay fucked up for about 10 hours after you leave the hospital. But back on topic, there are days that my stomach acts up and even causes bleeding when I poop. Ever see bloody poop? Pretty fucking disgusting. Then the blood loss sometimes makes me anemic. That sucks. Nothing gets done at a hospital for it, because on my appointments my stomach isn't acting up. I think I'm gonna run into a doctors office one day when it is, and shit all over the floor and tell them "look, have you ever seen peanut butter Kool aid shoot out of someones ass? I thought not, now fix me!!"

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

To harrass random children

This has become an awesome past time for me. Do you ever get bored waiting at the DMV or at a hospital??? I'm sure you do as that question is pretty redundant. Find a random child and strike up a conversation, ages 4 - 7 are usually best. This is not anything pedophillic, so don't think that. You see, kids minds are prime for bullshit lies and they'll believe all kinds of ridiculous "facts" you can make up. Hell, they even come up with good ones to tell you which you can in turn "grow them up" and use them on the next kid. Here are four simple ones to try:

1. When talking about nature with a child, explain to them that in Alaska during winter months the native horses burrow underground in order to stay warm.

2. Tell them that if they take a chicken nugget and put it inside a shoe box and water and feed it bird seed that it will turn grow into a chicken.

3. Explain to them that if you look into the eyes of an infant baby that it will indeed steal your soul since they are born without one. In turn, their parents will be very disappointed to have a soul less child and will either: a. punish them for losing it because souls are very expensive at the soul store, or

b. just leave them on a corner somewhere so as not to have to deal with the situation and hope some other soul less couple takes the child in.

4. Educate them on the fact that the little plastic toy that they have is made by children in other countries that are starving and get paid a nickel a week for 90 hours of work and that they probably died putting the hair on the little Bratz doll or the last wheel on that Matchbox car. (revert back to some discussion about the loss of one's soul)

There are probably lots more, but I don't feel like writing them all. Thanks to the book "I hate other people's kids" for #2 above.

computers are ok, but most times they suck

So I'm trying to put up a post on this useless blog of mine and my fucking computer keeps seizing. I've run all the anti-virus, ant-spyware, anti-whatever the fuck else, and it still runs like shit. I think the computer knows how I feel about it when it acts up like this and it gains pleasure from pissing me off. Well listen here mr. pc on my desk, I can easily destroy you and get a new one. Maybe a mac or something sexier with a flatter screen. Heed my words P.O.S. computer, heed them well.

Monday, January 29, 2007

1st one.

so here's post #1, and I've probably got nothing of importance to say. Above is a picture of dead chickens, nothing to terribly important about that, except that I like chickens. I like them fried, baked, plucked, beheaded. I also like them alive walking around pecking at things, I mean, they're fucking chickens that's what they do. Some people are dicks and I call them "Chicken-fuckers". Broads that you have the chance to bang out are sometimes called "chickens" or "Chicken Heads".

Chicken on Bikes are cool too.