Thursday, March 29, 2007

amputee smut

Wow, so this got sent to me via pix message on my phone. Pretty amazing I must admit. For having no limbs, this chick is still pretty fucking hot. It's kinda like banging out the Venis Di Milo when you think about it. Could you imagine all the non PC inuendo that would just roll off of the tongue.
"Honey, can I set you on top, put my finger on your head and spin you like a top??"
"I wanna spread those....OH shit, I forgot"
"Think about how much money you'll save on shoes."
"Being mobile isn't always what it's cracked up to be."
"At least you never have to worry about getting your sea legs on a cruise"
"I guess tieing you to the bed during sex will prove difficult?"
"Don't worry about a plane ticket, you'll fit in my carry on"
"Will you marry me, I couldn't get a normal ring so I bought you a tongue ring instead"
"It's like banging a midget, but with almost normal proportions."
"So you'll never bug me to take you out dancing, huh?"
"Wanna go for a walk? Never mind."
"You can't be a referee in football, you can't signal touchdown."
"High Five."
"Honey, show them how big that fish was that I caught"
"Give me a hand with this"
So I'm going to hell,
sue me.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

SF Giants for life.

I am a Giants fan. Fuck L.A. and N.Y. You cut me and I bleed black and orange. If Barry asked me to take out somebody that slighted him, I probably would. I have been going to games since I was nine and I even went to the last game played at the 'Stick (fucking dodgers). I used to have my Croix de Candlestick for staying extra innings during night games when the weather is miserable and cold; the game that night went sixteen innings and Rich Aurilia had 3 dingers. A few years back I went to Bank One Ballpark (now Chase Field) and watched as Jason Schmidt(now a sellout ass dodger) pitched a complete game shutout of the AZ Diomandbacks. Today I went to spring training and watched a split squad steamroll the Seattle Mariners. Good Times, good times. I think everybody should have a team, even if I hate and despise your team you should have one. My oldest son was born in Phoenix and not the bay area, so he is actually a die hard D-Back fan, and as much as I wish he was a Giant, I respect his choice. But my youngest has no ties to where he was born and is the epitomy of a Giant. While at a Giants vs. D-backs game last year he got ansy during the 4th inning (he is a little kid) so my wife took him to the Peter Piper Pizza Play area on the mezzanine level of the ball park. When he showed up down there a park employee told him, "hurry up, get in line, Baxter is coming. Take this coloring book and crayons and you can get his autograph". At first my youngest was excited, but then he looked down and saw what was in his hands. A D-Back coloring book, with Baxter the Bobcat - AZ's mascot. He immediately put it back in that mans hand and told him "this is diamondback stuff, I don't want that. I'm a Giants Fan" and pointed to his black Giants t-shirt. Adult fans could learn a thing or two from that kid.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Fair Fight?

What the fuck is a fair fight??? I always hear this crap after somebody gets their ass beat. I think that as long as their isn't a firearm involved between two people it's a fair fight. At least in a street fight. The only other fair fight would be in a ring with money on the line and a referee, such as boxing or MMA fights. I think that if somebody is man enough to nut up and try to fight me he better be prepared for the worst experience of his life. There is no fair fight. I will do anything necessary to win. If that means tearing at your nutsack or biting your throat out I will. In my belief, I don't think I've beaten you in a fight unless I have made you wish I had taken your life. I would like to take a piece out of your face with my teeth and leave you with the most horrendous scar ever. Fair fight. As long as it's one on one.

Sunday, March 25, 2007


My sleep is precious to me. For nearly a decade I was at the whim of the world's most destructive military machine and that equaled little sleep at times. Now I am out and addicted to my sleep. People used to ask me why I was so irritable and violent, and now I know, it was lack of sleep. In the past six months I have learned that I am an 8 to 10 hour guy. This means I need between 8 and 10 hours of sleep a night to feel rested. When this cycle of rest is completed I am a much more resonable and happy person. Over time I have also learned how to sleep damn near anywhere. I sleep in my car in parking lots, in school hallways waiting for my kids to be released, on top of flatbed trailers. I've slept in sun, rain, snow, and high winds. Hell, I even slept on a pharmacy floor once. But other than emergency sleep areas like I just listed it's in a bed or on the LuvSac. So that's what I've learned to do. But the consequence of people causing me to lose sleep is growing extremely worse. If it's interrupted, I feel the need to seek out the fucker that ruined it and tear out his spleen through his anus. Here is an artistic rendition of myself sitting atop the person that interrupted my sleep after taking that persons life.

Some people think that more than 8 hours is too much. Fuck those people. I am making up for a DECADE of lost sleep. I think I'll go to bed now.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Maybe a one eyed girl

I had a thought recently. Perhaps if I was single I would prefer to have sex with a one eyed girl, as in a girl with a missing eyeball that left an empty socket. If she had the right sized eye socket, I could hold her eyelids open and spit in her eye socket for lube and then fuck her eye, possibly tapping her skull or frontal lobe of her brain. Later on I could say she couldn't stop thinking of me because my dick had been on her mind.

Friday, March 23, 2007


I love going to Las Vegas. This time the old lady and me went by ourselves, no family, kids, dogs, or responsibilities. We had a blast, just drinking, gambling, clubbing, and boning. Everyone should make sure and see at least one show while in Vegas. We chose X Burlesque, basically a stripper show with class. But the show wasn't the real highlight, it was the line we waited in. While we stood there a drunk midget woman was walking up and down the line yelling out, "where are all the peoples that wuz in the military? I wanna thank yous becuzzz if it wernt for yous I couldn't do what I wanna do today." Apparently what she wanted to do was walk around in a drunken stupor and forget the fact that god didn't bless her with height. Fucking awesome. Not only was I getting props in Vegas but it was by a drunk little person. But here are some pics of my trip (no midget pics though -- fuck). I took all of the pictures shown here except for the ones with only me in it.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Strip Clubs

I enjoy strip clubs as much as the next guy. Any place with hot chicks shaking their ta-ta's and wiggling ass for money is alright with me. I just object to some of the ways they try to draw people in. First off, they lie. They make claims like "most beautiful women in town", and "visit the most high class establishment". I don't know about the most beautiful women in town claim because maybe there's a place with a lot hotter females than here, I just can't tell. And High Class? If you're looking for high class, go to the opera. Secondly is the different standards in different states. In California, you can go totally nude. This equals big bucks outta my pocket because I would like to see vagina along with the mammaries. In Texas, bottoms must be worn and the nipples have to be painted or covered with the nipple pasty things. This sucks, since I feel like my adventure in smutland has been tampered with. This = less $ out of my pocket for the girls. And thirdly, when they call these places "Exotic Dance Clubs". I want honesty, so instead call it, "Chicks writhing on all fours and making your cock stiff clubs." Some would like to think it's dancing but it's not, it's strategic body movements to maximize tips from horny patrons. But then after all of the mess listed above I come across this while on vacation and it blew my mind. Are they advertising to cowboys, cows, or people into beastiality (inter-species erotica).

Thursday, March 15, 2007

I got 99 problems but....

Your mother is probably a whore.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

self relief???

Apparently at one time the porn star Ron Jeremy was able to give himself oral sex. At one time Michael Hutchence, the lead singer of INXS enjoyed auto erotic asphyxiation (choking oneself while blowing a nut). So in time Ron Jeremy got fat and lost the ability to self pleasure with his mouth, and Mr. Hutchence was found dead in a hotel room. I'm thinking that if I ever become able to give myself head, I am going to make it a point to become fat. And there's a reason. I figure if I get fat I can indulge in some kind of self inflicted asphyxiation by way of fat roll. While going down on myself I could suffocate myself with the flabalanche of juicy luvhandle. Apparently it would make it awesome from what the "choker people" like. Wouldn't that be an awesome epitaph on a headstone. Died while giving himself head, because he suffocated in his own fat rolls. Try not to laugh at a funeral when that's said.

I'm wondering what this is?

So here's the picture of the day. Is this a man, a woman, or a giant roaster chicken with a human head. Whatever it is, it's disgusting. And that's hot.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

The old Job.

Well, for those that give a shit. Here's a video presentation link to what my job used to consist of. Music selection isn't bad, but kinds redundant. It's weird how you actually miss shit like that.

Guidon Bearer Mishap

This was just too good to let go. Here's super genious basic trainee nailing a Chief Master Sergeant in the head with a guidon. Not real smart. Yet, he keeps his military bearing. Hoorah Air Force.

Been gone, but I'm back

So I went on hiatus for the last week because of work. Yup, I still do that stuff. Nothing really new and exciting in my life except for the fact I was extended a job offer and I'm quite happy about that. But that's not why you come to look at this blog is it?

So I came home from work the other day and settled into my LuvSac to play a little GTA San Andreas (I know it's old now, but it's still fun). As I'm just about to start my killing spree I look to my right and see my big dog, Juvey. He looks right at me, acknowledges my presence, and starts to lick his dick. Now most times I tell him to knock it off, but today I thought I would just see how long this would go on. I looked at the time and it was 5:33 a.m. He stopped licking himself at 6:11 a.m. That was almost 40 minutes of him tonguing his dog cock. Incredible. I don't want to be angry at him for it, I just wish he would find a more discreet place to do it and not look at me right before he engages in his debauchery. But what are you gonna' do, right. I mean, it's not like he has opposable thumbs to help him beat off?

Thursday, March 1, 2007

The sodomy song

This little clip is from the most fucked up movie ever made with puppets (like muppets on crack) "Meet the Feebles". Team America has nothing on this flick.


This midget is the shit...