Sunday, April 29, 2007

Everybody has a Dookie Story


I've learned that almost everybody on Earth has some kind of story revolving around poop. Whether it be themselves or somebody they saw. What's more is that these stories are almost always hilarious.


I remember in Kuwait, one of my troops was driving and there was an old reservist riding shotgun (acting T.C.). While in Kuwait a convoy is allowed to hault for whatever reason, unlike Iraq where you have to keep moving no matter what (more or less). So while waiting to process through NaviStar which is a big check point on the border, my young Airman runs up to me and says, "I need a different person to ride T.C. with me!!" I asked why and his response was, "Because that old dude refused to get out of the truck before we were processed, and he had to shit. We were 50 yards from a porta shitter and he refused to get out and roll on over there." I asked, "So are you saying he shit his pants?" My Airman tells me, "No, he took a one liter water bottle, cut off the top, dropped his drawers, and squeezed a turd off into it! All while I'm trying to fucking drive. That mother fucker stinks, and I didn't want to have to watch him shove a fucking shit log into a bottle." So then I asked, "Where's the bottle?" Quick answer from my troop, "That fuckin' asshole is strolling around with it, looking for somewhere sanitary to put it. We're in the goddamn desert, just chuck that fucker out into the dirt."


I damn near died laughing.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Why would you say certain things

So I'm talking to my brother and he brings up a bad sexual experience he had with his latest girlfriend. Apparently he started to bang her out, and she said he was being too rough, so he pulled out and didn't finish out of irritation. He tells me "I need to explain to her that I left so as not to get pissed. I haven't explained that I don't hit girls....anymore." Ha-ha, good laugh. I told him, why do we laugh at shit like that, It's funny when we think about him beating his ex-girlfriend, but abuse is so taboo to joke about. That's when he tells me that one of our cousins was having the same conversation with him, but it went from funny to "what the fuck" really quick. My brother says, "yeah, I hated that last bitch, so when she wouldn't shut up I beat her head in till her weave came loose." At this point we're still laughing. Then our cousin says "I know what you mean, my ex-wife pissed me off so bad once, I tied her to the bed and forced her to have sex for 3 days".


Long pause.................huh????............


And then we start laughing again. Holy shit!!! I hope he made that up.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I can't deal with new stuff

You heard it right folks. I can't deal with new things in my life it seems. Better put, it takes me a while to get used to new ideas and concepts.

Example: I have a new job.

Where most people are excited and happy to start new employment, I am full of contempt and cautiousness. Most seem to want the opportunity to meet new people, but I am much too un-politically correct to be myself around them.

I sat in orientation today with a bunch of giggly, not really saying anything, everything is peachy type of folks today. I was nauseated. Maybe I spent too much time with people like me when I was in the service, but I can not see what made these people act like this. Add to the fact that I am in the corporate white collar sector now, but I was raised up working blue collar. It's a serious shock to the system. Everything is clean, and people seem to be too pussy to get their hands dirty with anything. This is going to take me a while to get used to.


The worst thing about it is that I lose sleep dwelling on stupid little things. And I value sleep.

Friday, April 13, 2007

leroy jenkins

I watched this shit so many times I couldn't breathe from laughing so much. Fucking hilarious. People take this World of Warcraft shit serious.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Happy Tree Friends - Best of Flippy

ah yes, the happy tree friends. For those not initiated, these are cute woodland creatures that kill each other through horrible disgusting acts of violence. This one features Flippy, the PTSD afflicted troop bear.

Chubbaroo

With all the horrible things that happen in the world, it's nice to know that I can be shallow enough to wonder about absolutely piddly shit.

I am going to become fat. Not in the next hour, day, or month... but eventually.

I've tracked my body size since I was little. See, I was a skinny ass little kid, you know, I could use a cheerio as a hula hoop. I was always teased and picked on, but my grandmother told me not to worry about it because her brother was the same way as a kid and ended up 300+ lbs.

Well, in high school I still looked sickly.







I joined the military, and I slowly started my transformation. I entered at age 18 weighing 119. When I finished basic training I was 130.


By 2001 I was up to 140. Then came my 7 months in Saudi Arabia in 2002. That place sucked, but to there credit, there was a chow hall open 24/7. I ate at least four meals a day from boredom, and worked out a whole hell of a lot outta boredom. I ballooned up from 140 to 185.






But I looked good. To this day I have not dropped below 180 again, and I've topped out at 198 earlier this year.







Now I sit at around 188, happily.

So now the realization. I never thought I would reach this weight, but it happened between 24 and 28 just like my great uncle. By 40 he was 285. I believe that I'll end up the same way since the timelines seem to coincide.

I will be fat.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Sock Porn

Just when you thought that your porn was safe... socks that love to get their fuck on. God bless Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corolla

Monday, April 9, 2007

San Diego Zoo story


A couple of years back I went with my family to the San Diego Zoo. My wife and kids were excited because it's supposed to be one of the biggest and best. My dad went with us along with his wife, and my nephew tagged along also. Pretty standard family outing. Oh how it just got better though.




As soon as we got to the zoo I made a little goal for the day. I told my kids, my nephew, and my dad, and although they found it strange, I got the thumbs up. My wife and step-mother found it disgusting and warped. My goal was to see every major mammal take a shit. This made the day extra special. Even better was that I actually did see about 90% of the mammals there drop a big ol' dookie.






Here's some of what I learned:






Hippos plunge their heads under water and put their asses straight up out of the water and throw their shit everywhere with their tail.








Giraffe shit makes a huge mess when it falls from that high of a distance.




Lions shit just like dogs.




Elephant shit is elephant shit, but female elephants have the most enormous labia in the world and it looks like their water broke when they piss.




Rhino shit is rhino shit, but male rhinos have penis' that don't hang forward. Instead they do a fish hook angle and point backward, making it easy for them to shoot their piss major distances in order to mark their territory. (stand back at the rhino exhibit).






Kangaroos do a weird foot balance when they shit.




Nephews will gag at the site of Hippos flicking their crap around.




Wives will gag when a monkey drinks his own piss.







Spider monkeys have dangly balls that hang under their dicks just like people.




Tortoises make very loud grunting noises while fucking.

Friday, April 6, 2007

Fat people in small clothing





Low Rise jeans. Halter Tops. Belly Rings. Thongs. These are all items used to increase the hottness of females that are already hot. But in the wrong hands they become loathsome items hell bent on destroying one's psyche. And those wrong hands belong to the obese ones.



Hear me out before judging me. There are good looking women in the world that are "full-figured" to be PC about it. These women know how to present themselves and what to wear that will flatter what they have and not bring attention to all the extra that they got. God Bless these ladies.



Example of a hot, yet bigger, woman. ^^^^




Here is my problem. The 250 lb. + females that feel the need to wear shit made for a 14 year old anorexic. I really don't want to see how many rolls you have, your cesarian scar, or the Freddy Krueger stretch marks across you from popping out three or four pups. So don't wear that mid riff shirt!!! This same thing goes for the low rise pants. Little shapely chicks can rock this, we may even want to see a little crack with them. But the big ones need not address these pants at all. I would rather be left only to imagination instead of peering down the deathly abyss of dingle berry field your big ass is holding. At no time should the same women with the mid riff issue wear a belly ring either. That's like putting a diamond on a pile of dog shit. People will walk by it if it's left alone and only slightly notice, but with a huge jewel stuck in it everybody stares and gawks and wonders who will have the balls to remove it.







And as a side note:




If you bitches have fucked up teeth - don't smile, you sure as hell are not hot. Invest in a dental program and get that shit fixed.

Charlie : Candy Mountain

WTF!!! I have a brother that used to use a lot of hallucinogens. This must be one of the aftermaths

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

beer



I enjoy beer. the taste, the color, the smell when it's fresh. Of course everybody enjoys the sensation it brings them. That's why there are alcoholics, of course. I'm pretty faded while I type this. Everybody has there fave's. I love Hefeweizen, the unfiltered german style wheat beer, absolutely delicious. I also like San Miguel if it's a good batch, unfortunately the Phillipines don't really regulate their shit, so a lot of times you end up with some form of hoppy, fermented, alcoholic crack. If I have to drink American beer, I tend to lean towards Miller High Life "the champagne of beer". It goes good with hamburgers, steaks, nachos, etc....






But something that a lot of people hate is public urination. What an after effect that is of beer, right. I've had to do this often. Just recently, I was dropping off my wife's friend, and they both went upstairs to her apartment. I had to piss so badly but didn't want to run upstairs, so I opened my door, leaned to the left, and pissed onto the parking lot pavement. Pretty slick, right?? But I didn't notice the two people parked two spaces over that watched me do that, so when my wife got back we smashed out directly. But not before she asked, "what the hell did you pour out the car?"