Monday, July 30, 2007

Not sure why I feel the way I do

So many times I just zone out. I stare into space and just fill up with hate and anger. I really don't know why I break down, have those thoughts of hurting others, or even question the reason I'm here. I'm not going to kill myself, I find that greedy. But there are days that I think I could seriously cause damage to the first motherfucker that looks at me sideways. This isn't a 24/7 situation either, it comes in spurts, so random it could make my head spin. On the other hand, it could be because I forgot to take my medicine. I know the problems I have upstairs. People know how I am, for real. I'm a pretty laid back dude. I try not to let things get under my skin, but that's not the real problem. The issue is in the background, out of the public eye. It's what runs through my head when I'm not occupied. It's the fact that I haven't had a good dream since November of 2003 or felt rested since September of 2002. Honestly, I find humor in so many off the wall subjects, but it's not always truly funny, sometimes it's just sick. I'm not bad, I'm not cruel, and I'm sure as hell not evil. But at times I feel lost, hurt, sad, and distant.

On those days..... don't fuck with me.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

I don't plan on walking over hot coals

My oldest son was trying to wash dishes today. The key word is "trying". He, of course, shattered a glass all over the kitchen floor. Being super dad as I am, I rushed over to the kitchen cleared out the kids and proceeded to show both of my boys what not to do with glass on the floor.

1. I had no shoes or socks.
2. I tried to sweep everything up with no lights on.
3. Even after stepping all over glass and cutting my feet to hell, I still didn't go put on shoes.

My feet now look like the bottoms of Kunta Kente's feet on roots. Word to the wise kiddies, if you have glass on the floor, protect your paws.

On a side note. I dookied at work the other day and had a photo finish. My stomach gurgled, my asshole puckered, and away I went, top speed down the hallway. I thank god nobody of importance was in the common areas because I'm sure I would of bowled right over them. I reached the toilet just in time, as I dropped trouser and barely started to hover over that cool porcelian seat I shotgun blasted a spray of demonic odor and feces all around the inside of that bowl. I worry that one day I won't be that lucky to make it and have to check out for the rest of the day with shit running down my leg.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Tramp Stamps and The Obese

Two things that shouldn't mix in any way, shape, or form. You are on the larger side of the human build, so don't draw attention to your back fat by placing a huge cumshot target near the base of your spine where you're T-shirt (which by the way, is too small for you) is riding up your back and exposing that juicy jiggle roll for all to see.
Also, just my own outlook on things here, don't wear a thong either, it sure as hell doesn't ad "sexiness" to your lovely posterior.


Big Thanks to Deez for this one. HA HA, Hella funny.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Years ago in the Airman dorms

I was at a buddies room picking him up so we could go to the enlisted club. As we walked down the hall of the dorm (barracks for all other branches) he looked at me and said, "You know that Steve's* door never locks right?" Then as we walked down the hall a little further and in front of Steve's* door, my buddy kicks it as hard as he can and the door flies open. That's when we saw it.

There was Steve* standing butt hole naked in the middle of his room with one foot propped on top of a stereo speaker beating his dick relentlessly. Without missing a stroke he looked right at us and said, "Close my fucking door." Oh the shit I've seen.

*name changed to protect the nasty mother fucker's identity

life ain't that bad

People really do stress off of small stuff. I try not to anymore, as much as I may hate 98% of society, I'm really trying not to stress off the small stuff.

I think it's because my life has slowed down tremendously in the last year that I am having this epiphany.

In other words, it's getting boring. I don't have the good experiences that once kept me on my toes and loathing everything like I was good at. My job doesn't have a half year + of possible loss of life and that's kind of boring. I don't train on different weapons, or have gas mask drills, or haul hazardous cargo anymore, and that ='s boring.

I sell insurance and banking products. Woo Hoo. Can you feel the excitement run over in that job. But it's a good job, and it keeps me gainfully employed with great benefits. Just not ultra exciting.

So here's the most excitement I've had this week. I've discovered a boil on my younger pit bulls side. So I popped it. Disgusting! I squeezed that fucking thing till a head started to form and then, POW, puss and blood shot all over the place. If that wasn't gross enough, he of course had to lick all of the puss off of his belly.

And that's what my life has become. A sucker ass square 9-5 job and dog boils.

But you know what? My wife and kids are happy that I'm home. So.
Life ain't that bad.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

the guy in the wal mart bathroom

Ok, my dad lives out in po-dunk ville Kentucky. He seems to go to the local Wal-Mart a lot. He told me that a few weeks ago he had to take a piss and ran top speed into the mens restroom. And that's when he saw it.

Standing at the middle urinal was a man around his mid 50's leaning forward with his hands on the wall and his pants and underwear around his ankles just like a three year old boy while taking a piss. That was not the bad part though. With his old bare ass hanging in the wind he repeatedly flexed his buttcheeks while moaning for the entire restroom to hear him.

That's fucking hilarious.

Monday, July 2, 2007

More than meets the Eye

Transformers is off the heezy bitchez!!! I saw the first showing and I was not disappointed. Kept me intrigued the entire time.

Pirates of the Carribean 3 = DISAPPOINTED.

Spiderman 3 = DISAPPOINTED

Transformers = A massive robotic hard on!!!!

I think I'll walk around all day tommorrow at work making transforming sounds. Then if I annoy somebody, I'll transform into PTSD-bot and laser zap the little fucker with a tazer or some other painful shit. I could give a fuck less if you think I'm a dork, geek, spaz, or whatever. You can suck a metal dick. I've been waiting for this flick since I was in elementary school.

So in the words of Elias in Clerks II : "Nothing can ruin my day Randal, I just found out that they're making a live action Transformers movie".

Sunday, July 1, 2007

This weekend

My dad flew in. So I visited with him at my grandmothers. He bought the kids a bunch of stuff, which was cool, and we had an all around decent time. That was nice. The only downside was both him and his wife wanting to talk to me about there problems. I'm a grown man with my own problems, I do not want to here those of people that helped raise me. It's counter productive. Get a lawyer, get therapy, I don't really care, but don't drag me into it.

They did take us to see an awesome flick though. "Live Free or Die Hard" was the shit. I didn't think it was gonna be that great, but it was off the clip for real. When I left that theater I wanted to run through a crowded area with a gun, start firing in the air, and yelling shit like "oh hell no, you can not get away that easily" and "Don't make me come after you!"

Today I went to church. That's right fuckers, my wife makes me go to church, which is good for me, so I don't complain --- much. I actually heard the message today though (unlike most times when I'm playing video games on my phone). Here's the message:

Simply put, live your life for today and be happy with it. The easiest way to praise god is to appreciate the time he gives you every day. I may not always be the most positive person on earth, but I do believe that I should make an effort to be. I do need to appreciate the gifts I have. A great family, fat happy dogs, a full time job, and a pension from military service. I wish I had trained commando llamas also, but hey, you can't have everything. And I'm cool with that.