Thursday, February 28, 2008

18 is the magic number

For all these little fuckers that talk shit out on the street and then cry that they'll sue if you touch them because they're under age, I'm just waiting. Remember you little rat bastards, you won't be 17 forever. Karma is a motherfucker, and somebody will end up fucking you up for all those times you tried to act grown and then bitched out when confronted. Remember when you walked out in front of somebody's car and slowed down in front of it just to be a dick. I'm waiting for the next time that happens, so I can put it in park, step out of the car and bludgeon you're stupid ass with a table leg. 18 motherfucker. Think about that magical number, because at that time you're a legal adult even if you're in high school. Game on baby, game on.



You get to be the first fucker to celebrate his 18th birthday in a wheelchair recovering.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Demon seed

My youngest son is bloodthirsty. He swears he isn't but I'm onto his game. Tonight when we left the movie theater and he got into the car I went to hand him my empty cup, and he slammed the door on my arm. Now I look like a fucking heroin addict from the mark he left. Over and over he kept saying that he didn't see my arm there. Bullshit!!! He was looking right at me and slammed that door. I know he's been planning this for a long time ...weeks, possibly months. I could hear his little 9 year old mind turning as it happened. He was saying to himself, "Hold your own cup you shriveled old fucker. With this one quick motion you'll have to eat with the only hand you have left to wipe your asshole with." Sure, he apologized and acted innocent enough to fool his mother, but I know what he was trying to do. You won't catch me slippin' again you little turd, I sleep with one eye open just waiting for your next attempt on me. You will not take my throne without a fight.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

And just one more

just for fun

Big Money

I once heard somebody say that they wished to be showered in a billion one dollar bills. But what if the way those bills were dispensed malfunctioned and instead of being showered, they got dumped on you in one giant avalanche. You'd get killed by the massive weight of all those singles smashing on top of your body, shoving your head into your shoulders and shattering your vertebrae into bone dust. It would probably cause your colon to shoot out of your asshole. The whole situation would get very ugly with bystanders running not to your aid, but to all that money. Then you would probably get trampled by all of those feet moving without any care across your decimated corpse. That would suck. I would like to say that I just want to take a shower, and that billion dollars can be electronically transferred into my bank account.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Movie Idea

I want to make a movie. Not anything special, just a movie. It will be a coming of age story of a young boy moving from a small town in North Carolina to... oh, I don't know, maybe Chicago or L.A. It will focus on the struggles he faces as a small town kid dealing with the big city and how he has to work extra hard to be accepted. In the end, he will gain everybody's respect through winning a local contest with his dancing abilities, all while battling cancer. The only reason anybody will want to watch this movie is because everybody will have a tail. This little extra will have nothing to do with the actual plot, nor does it serve any purpose other than to entertain my idea of people with tails. All of the tails will be congruent to the size and age of the person it's attatched to, and as I said before, will serve absolutely no purpose toward the advancement of plot. The name of my movie will be, "Shower Curtain".

Sunday, February 10, 2008

and to cap the 2 weeks of manliness

So i've written for the last two weeks about, well, my best two weeks ever. Weinermobiles, record stores, bars, cheap drinks, free appetizers, and the super bowl. And just to round everything off..................

The Budweiser Clydesdales came to town.

Horses with Driver and dog

my kid and the neighbor with the horses

Big Horses

Horse cock Horse Shit

On a totally different subject, I think I'll start wearing an eyepatch. It will add an air of mystery about me that women will find irresistable when combined with me wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Don't knock on my door

FUCK!!! Why do people have to walk around a neighborhood and knock on doors to try and sell religion. I don't go around harrassing mother fuckers about my beliefs, I write them in a handy convenient web log. The point is this, if you see me in the street and try to strike up a conversation on why I should convert to Jehovah's Witness and believe that although Armageddon was supposed to happen already on four different occassions, that you are the truth, then I may be a little irritated, but I will not be rude. I'll say, "thanks, but no thanks" and go about my day. But if you come up to my door, knock on it, get my dogs all worked into a frenzy, have the rest of my family hiding behind couches and trying to be quiet, then I'll just be pissed and rude. The reason is because my home is my sanctuary away from all the wack jobs and fuck sticks of the world. It's where I sit around watching TV in my chonis (chone-eys), drink beer, get my sex on with the wife, curse and let loose. Don't interrupt that. I don't go knocking on your door with my dick hanging out with a 40 in my claw, telling you to relax, so don't come to my door telling me why I'm wrong and going to hell. That is not going to make me convert. In fact, I might just run outside in the nude with a riot baton and beat the shit out of you. Better yet, I'll collect shit in a bag and throw it at you. Your choice. I am perfectly happy going to the church of my choice on Sunday, without being strong armed into it. That's the way the lord and I have it worked out, and it seems like a lot of others do to. Keep bothering me, and I'll come up with my own hair brained, half thought out religion that will make millions of dollars more than yours. Don't push me.

Sunday, February 3, 2008


They came, I went, and I've got the pics for the world to see. Congratulations to the New York Giants for fucking up the Patriots perfect season (and yes, I absolutely was gone off the Hater-Ade). Nothing seems to make me feel better then seeing a game like this, where it appears like the undefeated favorites feel like nothing can get in the way of destiny, and the underdogs just piss in there Cheerios. Good times, good times. But regardless, since I more or less live down the road, I made sure to be at the stadium to cause problems, aggravate Patriot fans, and just be an all around pain in the ass. Great fun, and here are the pix.

My li'l guy made the pass and won a prize

My wife doesn't know shit about football, but she liked the mascots.

My Oldest son is a beast (even though it's a Green Bay Helmet)

The Giant Lombardi Trophy at the NFL Experience

My wife standing by the North Entrance

This dude was a "G". Missing leg, so he got a 49er prosthetic.

The Punt Pass Kick Event

Westgate City Center, just north of the stadium by 1/2 a block

Westgate, where the parties in Glendale were.

The stage for the bands in front of the arena, right across from the stadium

Adrian Peterson was walking by, and I couldn't get a pic with all the heads.

The Stadium from the top of the Ferris Wheel

Yup, I was there.

He pushed the sled.

It's fuckin' Rich Eisen of the NFL Network!! (and formerly Sportscenter)

Me and my dudes.

Peyton Manning's Jersey and gear