Saturday, September 27, 2008

I laugh because I find it funny

I don't laugh at the same things other people do. When I heard about people that chose to stay behind in a hurricane even after ample warning to evacuate that ended up getting killed........ I laughed under my breath. I thought to myself, "thank goodness, these idiots decided to remove themselves from the gene pool". Seriously though, a hurricane is probably the only natural disaster that you get a warning from God himself.

I laugh at disgusting things. Like two walruses giving each other head at the San Diego zoo. Good for them. They're locked up in an exhibit for people to stare at them. I say they should do it more often. And the monkey that pissed in his own mouth, well, that was just incredible.

Even worse, I laugh about shit. Literally. When I hear a shit story I end up laughing so hard I cry.

I laugh when I watch people get hurt. If you say that you don't, you're probably a liar. When these kids attempt these dumb ass stunts and break arms and legs, it's hilarious.

I laugh at inappropriate jokes. Like racial ones, religious ones, and ones about spousal abuse, and even rape. You know why? Because the ones I've heard are hilarious. I'm not saying the content is good, but the punchline is.

Here's something to laugh at:

Why do women wear make-up and perfume?

Because they're ugly and smell like shit.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Love

Love is Taco's.

I love Taco's, they are delicious, whether real types from the taqueria or total knock offs from Jack in the crack. Taco's are great. They fill your belly with deliciousness, and satisfy after a long night of drinking (like tonight).

Vagina looks like a taco. So you know it's good.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Pretzel Day

My dogs ran out of dog food the other day. I didn't know about this, and neither did my wife. My children did know, but chose not to inform us, as they believed we would be angry that the dogs were out of food. For two days they snuck other food sources to the animals instead of coming clean. Then yesterday my wife got out of the shower, went to the living room, and found half eaten pretzels crushed and scattered from one end of the room to the other. As she went on her more than expected woman screaming tantrum rant about, "Why in the fuck are there pretzels all over my fucking house!!!!!", the children felt the need to explain the situation.

"Mom, we had to feed the dogs something, and we're out of baby carrots."

"How long have the dogs been out of food? And what the hell did you just say about carrots?"

"A few days, but don't be mad, we've been feeding them other stuff".

They haven't been let out of the basement since.


Child logic is hereby officially deemed........ FLAWED!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

What the hell is that?!?!?!?!

Here's a hint:

Here's a hint: it's one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life, and I've seen some bad shit.

To see the whole thing, go to this link and observe the entire horrid scenario as it unfolds.

This is from the Internet journal of surgery. Who said learning isn't one of the scariest things in the world?

http://www.ispub.com/ostia/index.php?xmlFilePath=journals/ijs/vol9n1/scrotum.xml

Recession






In these trying times, people are stressing out about being broke. The economy is down, stocks are plunging, prices rising, and so many people are stressing out. I guess I should be also.... but guess what



I'M ALREADY BROKE, FUCKERS!!!! I HAVEN'T HAD A CREDIT CARD WITH A USEABLE BALANCE IN 2 YEARS, OR ANY CABLE FOR THAT MATTER!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!



So rich people out there who seem to be having a hard time, do what I do.


Eat Treet, it's a knock off version of Spam, but just as deliciously unhealthy.


Take the path of the downtrodden hillbilly and eat Sizzlean' instead of bacon. It's just like bacon, but not.


I have actually lived so broke as to drink Flav-R-Aid instead of it's overpriced cousin - Kool Aid


My neighbors and I actually share a Hollywood Video membership for unlimited movie rentals, now that's neighborly love right there.



That's just a couple of ideas to help you get through this "rough time". Keep it real and remember, Fuck Moet because it's not Mickey's to me.




Monday, September 8, 2008

Til death do us part.... somebody's gotta die

My wife is watching a show that talks about a husband that shot his wife with a crossbow. Twice. Over two months. Wow, this guy has balls.

Then I heard this morning about a guy that told his wife he had made a haunted house in the garage and wanted to surprise her, so he blind folds her, puts handcuffs on her, and leads her up a ladder where he puts a noose around her neck and kicks the ladder out from under her.

And my brother says he listened to Paul Harvey tell a story about a guy that waited for his wife to get into the shower, and threw a toaster that was plugged in directly into the shower with her. Nothing happened. That had to have been awkward. I can imagine that conversation.
Wife: What the fuck was that?
Husband: Ummm, I thought you wanted a pop tart.
Wife: So you throw a god damned toaster in the shower.
Husband: I slipped.

Tonight as my wife went to put toast in the toaster, I informed her that I needed it in the bathroom for later. She then informed me that her crossbow was coming in tommorrow.

My wife says she no longer trusts me because I laugh and smile while I tell her these stories. And I "evil laugh". MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Friday, September 5, 2008

How long to Live???

So, Joe Deez, the leader of the Tapatio mafia, asked this question on our forum; How long do you want to live?

My answer is simple.

Til 186 years old. I want to be a burden on society for as long as possible. I want to be propped up in a chair and fed intraveniously while rambling incoherently (but I secretly want to know what I'm doing). I want to drain American tax dollars and annoy my surviving family members with my ability to draw oxygen into my lungs. I want to bitch and complain about shit that has no impact on my life or society in general. I want to be able to grope young female nurses, and have them "just deal with it" because I'm so old.

When I finally do keel over and die, I want to be sure and have eaten about 6 pounds of chili. This is just for effect, since your bowels evacuate when you die. Can you imagine the guy that has to clean up 6 pounds of half digested chili that just shot out of my ass during my cardiac arrest? Fuck Yeah!!!

Best meeting ever!



Those arrows pointing at the ground show the location of bits of puke, chunks if you please. In the middle of a meeting my buddy and I see some lady run by with her hand covering her mouth and vomit coming out in blobs. It looked like a mix of chili and old cheese, but we can't be sure because the fucking janitors cleaned it up before I could get a good shot with my crappy phone. It was hard enough trying to look non-chalant during the meeting to snap these. It took everything in me not to die laughing, and I couldn't stop looking out the window in awe of the vomit globs.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

One of the most horrible sites ever... check it out

My buddy Jerome shot this little gem over to me. It's called "Pop that Zit". Fuckin' disgusting, it's got video of some of the most heanous pimples I have ever seen, and they're getting popped. Zit juice and blood everywhere. It almost made me gag, but I couldn't stop watching this shit. Here's the link.

http://www.popthatzit.com/



Warning: It's not for the faint of heart.


Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Really? You shouldn't say this during sex???

OK, so I was listening to the radio on the way to work, and there was a report on things not to say during sex. It was so fucking hilarious, as they compared what is OK to what is not. I do not take credit for all that comes next, just the last part as I am only the delivery boy for what I heard.


It is alright to say things such as, "Who's your daddy?", "I'm gonna give you a spanking", "Sweet Jesus", "Oh my god", and "you like it like that don't you".


Fine.


But, OH, The things you shouldn't say. Such as.........


"Your mother's a whore"


"Jesus is SWEET!!!"


"We will go to hell for this"


"I hope my parents aren't watching from heaven"


"I'm gonna bang the fluffers out of you"



Those are some of what I heard. And now, for my contributions.


"I'm gonna fuck you then cut your intestines out"


"I want to fuck you and your mom and/or dad"


"Moan in pleasure one more time, and I'll break your nose"


"The lord told me you had good pussy"


"Is it OK if my dog watches?"


"Man, I really got to take a shit, but I wanna nut first"


Monday, September 1, 2008

My Phone

Amazingly something disappeared from my house today. My phone. No idea where it is, or who has it.

I am angry.


If you know where this phone is, don't call me, because I don't have a fucking phone to answer.


This has caused my blood pressure to rise, and a migraine to ensue. See, cell phones do cause brain damage, because when you lose them and just can't find them you feel like you'll have a blood vessel pop in your brain which will cause a stroke.

Here's one of those lolcatz to help me laugh.