Thursday, December 31, 2009

Monday, December 28, 2009


Somebody wiped a booger on my dogs back, but my dog is stupid, so he didn't care.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Chillin at the Vato Mart

I call this "shopping on a wednesday"

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

49er 4 Life

In case you have some down time this Xmas

This is a real book. SWEAR TO GOD!


Ker-splat. Fuck you pigeon!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Basic theory of evolution proved wrong..... by me!

This basic principle is something that I have found to be bullshit. In most logical situations it is dictated that our world is survival of the fittest. NO!

On a daily basis I speak to what should only be the exception to the rule. But since this is every day, it is not an exception, it has become the rule.

The majority of the world cannot use simple problem solving skills, create basic sentences, annunciate words, or make decisions on their own. I speak to 40 year old men that have their mother and/or father pay their bills, because they don't understand how to do that on their own. I have seen 20 somethings that cannot count back change at a McDonalds. Without somebody else to work whatever issue or problem they have, they would be destined to life underneath a highway overpass, or eaten by wolves as they wander through the wolf pen at the zoo. These people are not the "fittest" for survival by any means, and yet they are still here. If they had been a seal, a zebra, or gazelle, they would have been eaten before ever hitting sexual maturity because of the inability to function without the help of others.

That's it, that's all I have to say.

Friday, October 9, 2009

My dog is stupid.

This is Arjay, my 92 pound Pitbull. For his size, he has a tiny brain. He is not smart and he proves this daily. For the last couple of years he has been in the habit of finding things that should not be eaten, and eating them. This has caused us numerous headaches in terms of having to pull things out of his asshole. We have pulled out washcloths, lanyards for keys that go around your neck, and parts of stuffed animals, amongst other things.
Today, he came in the house and had this hanging out of his asshole - a strip of a sock wrapped in his own shit. I just figured I'd share this with the world, but just remember that this isn't the worst thing to ever be pulled out of his asshole.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Newest thing not to ask that's sexual

Never ask your significant other to lay in a tub full of ice for an hour, put on white make up, then lay perfectly still on the bed while holding his/her breath during sex.

Actual Conversation

This was about the "Real Doll", a sex toy that resembles an actual grown woman.

Person 1 - "Dude, I want a real doll that is like 4 ft tall with pigtails, like a midget."

Person 2 - "That would look like a fucking kid man."

Person 1 - "Yeah, it would be hella funny if you could make it talk and say, 'I'm gonna tell my dad' "

Person 3 - "It would be even funnier if it said, ' I'm tellin Mom! '

Eternal Optimism

My brother just moved into a REALLY big house in the hills with a friend of his that has a grip of money. 6 bedrooms, indoor pool, sauna, gym, etc...... But it is really out there in the hills with all sorts of wildlife.

So he called me to tell me about the house, but he had both good news and bad news about it.

The bad news was that when my cousin went to visit him, he told my brother he probably has mice because he found rodent shit in the kitchen and laundry room.

The good news was that the next morning when my brother woke up, he found a baby rattlesnake in the kitchen that will eat the mice.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Stereotype day at the Vato Mart

One day this won't be the norm, but today it was like walking through a racial stereotype come true at the Mexican super market. I'm part Mexican too, but goddamn, really???? On this day every other woman was knocked up with kids in tow, and at any time a few of them could of gone into labor.

And then there was this winner with the traditional "Sharpie" eyebrows.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Unintentional Porn!

Thanks to Ian for finding this during his travels this summer.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Today I learned some Navajo words!

Today I learned how to say vagina in Navajo. Zuge.... I think thats how its spelled. Its pronounced sz-oo-sh. Oh wow! And Penis is cho. Pronounced ch-u.

A Ridiculous Fear

In hospitals people have cathaters and urine bags. If this bag of urine broke in this room, then i would be trapped and drowned...... by piss.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Terrorists love Taco Bell, too

Al zirkawi eating at Taco Bell, plotting our demise.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Giant bread phallus

The double dong pastry

Little person sighting

Air Force Specialty Code 2T1x1

vehicle operator trauma room.......... I think.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Taliban Time

About two weeks ago I had a discussion with friends at a sports bar about my hair and beard. Right around early 2007 I had started to grow a pretty gnarly beard, but I cut it because my wife said I looked like a homeless terrorist. All my friends said it was incredible and scary at the same time. My wife has been on me for years to let my hair grow, something I absolutely hate doing. I've always liked a nice clean fade on the side of my melon. Long hair gets in my way and is irritating. I struck a deal with my wife that night in the sports bar. I will let my hair grow, but only if I am allowed to let my beard grow freely. All hail the coming of the Taliban mixed with Joaquin Phoenix!!!!

The Evolution so far:





Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I have no true original ideas at this moment

So here's some rambling on the spot poetry.

Run, Run, Run
Fat Jiggly Ball of Goo
Run to the store and buy pig fat
To mix with your food to make poo
You are so fat, obese, and diabetic
But still gay enough to read L.Ron Hubbards "Dianetics".

Wow, that was art right there.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

quick update

For simpler access, the website has changed names from to

This was done because nobody could hunt me down on google unless they typed in, "What does whale shit look like?"

Willy Wonka would be a Bad American

As corporations crumble and our economy goes to hell, I can't help but blame the fictional Willy Wonka Candy Company for starting the whole problem.

At one time this mega corporation employed people at it's super factory and it's many free standing brick and mortar stores. Life was good. People had homes close by. The employees seemed to enjoy their menial positions and fair wages. But then it happened.

One small bit of corporate espionage and the CEO of the company turned his back on all the wage slaves that had built his empire. In the 1970's he commited the first known act of outsourcing by bringing in foreign Oompa Loompas, who worked for beans, literally, to take over all positions at the factory, causing everybody in the immediate area to lose their jobs and benefits, thus in turn causing the local economy to collapse while he still raked in the money. If that wasn't enough, by the end of the decade he had also closed down the candy shops that employed the even more of the local community and pumped money into the same economy by way of business and property taxes. When this was taken out of the equation even more of the city's basic services were cut. All to save a buck and line his velvet pockets with even more profit, while childrens teeth were rotting away.

Shame on you Mr. Wonka. It's because of your business model that corporations today send even the most basic of telephone answering positions to places like India, leaving an even larger unemployed number of people that can no longer afford basic health care. Then these same companies move their corporate offices to places off shore to avoid paying taxes that would benefit the community by providing funds to things such as health care, education, and emergency services.

In short, Fuck You Willy Wonka!!!

So stupid

First of all, The Chad and I have decided that we don't need to go to any other store ever again for Christmas gifts.

While in Gilroy a few weeks ago, I was almost hungry enough to buy these.

This might not seem too amazing, but at the doctors office we saw this lady, who was of normal size and stature, with the most disturbingly skinny ankles.... EVER! I just wish the crappy camera on my phone had better resolution.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

My GTA San Andreas trip in 72 hours... and food

Day one - We leave Phoenix and pass through Los Angeles (Los Santos) to head north to San Jose. I take no pictures of my brief time in So. Cal because I don't give a shit about that part of my trip. In hindsite, I should of, to complete my track of this trip. Oh well. I show up to San Jose about 5 in the afternoon, stop at my grandfathers,

Grandfathers house in East San Jose

then drop my stuff off at my cousins house, and leave to pick up my brother in Santa Rosa. I have to pass through San Francisco (San Fierro) to get there.

Day 2 - The next morning I wake up to eat a healthy breakfast of Fish and French Toast. Don't knock it til you try it!

Went back to Grandpas house to visit, and we went to a seafood buffet after that. That night we went to the strip club and ran into my buddy Easy from the forum. I don't have strip club pics, basically because, have you ever tried to get a camera into a strip club??? Good luck with that.

Then we drank beer, and smoked medicine.

Day 3 - One more visit to Grandpa, say by to the cousins, and off to brunch at Iguanas. Dad and I tried to tackle the Burritozilla, but sadly, we failed.

Had to drive Daniel to Santa Rosa and drop him off, so one more pass through the City and over the Golden Gate.

These are Penis's on the side of a bus reminding you to get checked for venerial diseases
Then onto Las Vegas (Las Venturas), which is a fucking long drive. We ate at the MGM Grand Buffet.

And as we left, we saw these winners. Weight limits on clothing!!!! Especially in Vegas!

Then we came back to Phoenix, where I now sit sweating to death with my scrotum stuck to my leg.