Monday, November 22, 2010

True facts I just made up

1. Spaghetti is the number one killer of people that eat while they drive.
2. Pottery is not a popular hobby for people that have had their arms amputated.
3. Most people would rather drink urine than Drain-O.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Proposal

My friend proposed to his wife on a hot air balloon. That was pretty cool.

My brother says that when he does propose marriage to a woman, he will only do it dressed in a Gorilla suit. He will grab that woman by the hair, throw her in a chair, and start throwing handfuls of shit at her face with the collection of feces he has stored up. Good news though, the 2 carat diamond engagement ring will be mixed into those dookie wads. Score one for that lucky lady.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Taco Bell incident

Last week I went to Taco Bell in between classes at the local community college. I ordered my food and ate. When I was finishing up I stood and went to use the restroom. But then it got weird.

I opened the bathroom door and saw a border brother (paysa, illegal, whatever) bent over the sink with a straw doing a rail of either coke or meth. As he finished his rail with a loud confident snort, he lifted one leg and released one of the loudest and longest farts I have ever heard. I didn't know what to do, especially when he turned his head and his eyes locked on mine. All he could do is mutter something like, "uuuughghghgh". I turned and left, baffled at what I had just seen.

That was surreal. No other way to describe it. But was it the worst thing I could have walked in on? I started to wonder that very question, and the easy answer is "NO". Here are ways it could have been worse.

1. He could have been slamming heroin while taking a shit on the floor.
2. He could have been receiving oral sex from another man while rubbing shit on the bathroom mirror.
3. He could have been smoking crack over the corpse of a dead hooker.
4. He could have been jerking off on top of his burrito supreme.

That list could go on and on. I just thank god I only had to witness what I witnessed.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Games to quench boredom

1. At the mall, find somebody walking by themselves (preferably not an intimidating sized person), and follow behind them relatively close for an extended amount of time. When they stop to look around, lean in close and whisper "I could have killed you", then walk away.

2. At any store or public place, make eye contact with somebody. Once you lock eyes don't take your eyes away, point at the person and yell "YOU!!!!", and then run top speed in their direction.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

for my wifes b-day

We went to a club (in it's loosest sense). While there we saw these atrocities.












Sunday, April 25, 2010

How to cope

I work at a call center. Not exactly what I feel destined to do with my life, but hey, it pays the bills.

So, as one might guess, I speak to quite a few angry people on the phone. Very, very, angry people. People who seem to believe that a two dollar increase on their bill constitues an emergency at 1:00 a.m. on a Saturday.

I was asked the other day how I deal with an angry person on the phone. Somebody that is just beyond unreasonable. Everybody has their own ways. Most people say they deal with these folks by "listening" or "trying to understand" the concerns that they have. Not me. I really don't care one way or another when these people are screaming at me for shit that they probably caused themselves (you have no idea how many people in the world scream at somebody about a bill that they just did not pay).

This is how I cope..........

When the individual begins on the aformentioned tyrade, sure I write down what the problem is so I can rectify it, but that's the only thing I have in common with the others in the office.

I immediately look at the profile to see if there is a spouse or children. If not, I ask if they have a significant other or children. If the answer is no, then I have a difficult time grinding through the rest of the call. But if they do, then I can deal with it. I imagine that this person is insane, and that this bill has caused them to go over the edge. They have read this bill and now all semblence of reason is gone. Who will pay for this outrage? Those that are closest to him/her. The family, the loved ones. I may be on the phone with this person, but he has his family bound and gagged on the floor, a shotgun to his wifes head, and if I can't calm this person down, they are dead! With every word spoken, I am just steps away from either saving this other persons life or ending it. That shotgun just keeps pressing into her head, harder and harder, cutting into her scalp, causing bruises to form and blood to seep from the edge of her temple where the cold steel has pushed through the skin. Every time he says hold on and covers the phone to talk to somebody else, I don't hear them say, "this company is fucking stupid" or "I swear I'm never using them again", I hear, "shut up bitch! This asshole is gonna make or break you". And then I stay calm and walk them through whatever is happening.

I have saved this families life. I am amazing. And this customer is an asshole.


BANG!!!!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Spammers on blogs

So now we have spammers leaving shit in the comment sections of blogs. This is extremely important as they all seem to be selling penis enlargement pills. If you wanna spam something, how about a cure for cancer, or AIDS, or diabetes for all the fatty mcfat fats out there. 9 comments had to be sorted through today, and each one had an important medical link expressing the increasing importance of girth in male genitalia. If there was a drug out there that would make our cocks 19 inches long and 6 inches in diameter, there would be no need to advertise, because we would of already found it and bought it. Keep up the good fight though spammer/scammer of America, maybe you could start selling pussy in a bottle or something.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Any Embalmers, Morticians, Or Funeral Directors

If an adult decides to get braces on their teeth, but then suddenly dies, are the braces removed before the viewing and the mouth sewed closed? What if I want to have a smile in my casket? Would a funeral home grant such a request? I don't have braces, but I have friends that have decided to get them in their 30's. I'm just trying to help them with the off chance that they die and want to be shown with a happy expression at their funeral..... just not metal mouthed.

Monday, January 25, 2010

most original names........ or a slap in the face of progress???

My friend Michelle was talking to me a few weeks ago about horrible names people have. I've seen quite a few over the past few years, but all I could say is wow when she told me this story.

Her mother is a foster care provider who took in two twin boys from the Bronx (her mom lives on Long Island). Their names were pronounced "O-ron-ja-lo" and "La-man-ja-lo". Strange enough names in and of themselves. But then she told me how they were spelled.

Orangejello

Lemonjello

Oh God, please kill the stupid people that infest this world with their idiot speak that they try to hide as creativity.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Regarding the handling of illness

If you ever happen to be in a situation where you are sick with both nausea and diarrhea, please, use this advice. If given the moment where you have to decide whether to vomit in the toilet or spray your intestinal goo in it, for gods sake, sit on the toilet and shit. Vomit on the floor. Remember, if you are sitting on the toilet, you can at least try to aim your vomit between your legs and get some into the toilet. If you are the other way around, you will get all your vomit in the toilet, but the diarrhea spatter will either be all over your pants, underwear, legs, and maybe even back, or even worse, if your pants were already down, all over the floors, walls, etc......

Monday, January 11, 2010

Until today I didn't know

Until today I didn't know my body could ingest, process, and expel food in less than an hour. But now I know it is with the help of Circle K.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Booger in the dressing room

video

nothing

video

I should have talked terrorist.

Nice.

Look at what the old lady is buying this beautiful sunday morning before church. Tissues, water, bananas, and....... wait a second..... is that........... IT IS!!! A 40 oz. of Olde English Malt Liquor!!!!

Sunset

Looking out from a balcony at work.

Chillin at the Circle K

Come around midnight I tend to get cravings for soda from the Circle K. This winner nearly ruined that ritual for me.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

The greatest Hot Dog EVER!!! The Messican Heart-Attack.


First of all, you need to grow some man titties like I've done. It was cold this night (New Years Eve).

We decided the best way to make a great thing better was to add bacon. Behold! The Bacon wrapped hot dog. Now, the construction...............................................


1. A bun. I know, "no shit", but I actually wanted to use a sandwich roll.


2. Slather generously with some home made guacamole, or store bought if you don't know how to make it.



3. Put some home made salsa on top of the guacamole. OK, you should just go with store bought with any of the stuff that I put as home made, but if you can, go home made every time.


4. Remember those bacon wrapped phalluses??? Time to place it in that bun. Safety note: remove the toothpick that was used to hold the bacon or you'll slice the hell out of your mouth, my kid was dumb enough to figure this out the hard way.




5. We had a big old pot of beans, yeah they were home made, and so now we slather that on top of the dog.



6. My wife put together some Queso dip with Velveeta cheese, chilis, ground pork, and italian sausage. Put that shit all over the top of this heart stopper.




OH YEAH!!!! Look at that future doctor bill.



Now eat that son of a bitch and hope you don't have a stroke or a heart attack!!!!













Friday, January 1, 2010

2009 Sucked Donkey Scrotum, some things I learned

1. Don't drink at a party and get in a fight. Jail and lawyers are expensive.
2. Talk to your spouse, or you can end up living in a friends basement for a few months.
3. Fruit flies have the biggest sperm.
4. Holding tanks have at least four jailhouse lawyers waiting to be convicted at any given time.
5. I now know what's in my ball sack.
6. A job is a job is a job.
7. Whoever greenlighted the GI Joe movie should be ass raped with a branding iron.
8. Society is fucking retarted.......... at any age.
9. Bankruptcy, spiffy.
10. I love my family.