Monday, January 25, 2010

most original names........ or a slap in the face of progress???

My friend Michelle was talking to me a few weeks ago about horrible names people have. I've seen quite a few over the past few years, but all I could say is wow when she told me this story.

Her mother is a foster care provider who took in two twin boys from the Bronx (her mom lives on Long Island). Their names were pronounced "O-ron-ja-lo" and "La-man-ja-lo". Strange enough names in and of themselves. But then she told me how they were spelled.



Oh God, please kill the stupid people that infest this world with their idiot speak that they try to hide as creativity.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Regarding the handling of illness

If you ever happen to be in a situation where you are sick with both nausea and diarrhea, please, use this advice. If given the moment where you have to decide whether to vomit in the toilet or spray your intestinal goo in it, for gods sake, sit on the toilet and shit. Vomit on the floor. Remember, if you are sitting on the toilet, you can at least try to aim your vomit between your legs and get some into the toilet. If you are the other way around, you will get all your vomit in the toilet, but the diarrhea spatter will either be all over your pants, underwear, legs, and maybe even back, or even worse, if your pants were already down, all over the floors, walls, etc......

Monday, January 11, 2010

Until today I didn't know

Until today I didn't know my body could ingest, process, and expel food in less than an hour. But now I know it is with the help of Circle K.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Booger in the dressing room


I should have talked terrorist.


Look at what the old lady is buying this beautiful sunday morning before church. Tissues, water, bananas, and....... wait a second..... is that........... IT IS!!! A 40 oz. of Olde English Malt Liquor!!!!


Looking out from a balcony at work.

Chillin at the Circle K

Come around midnight I tend to get cravings for soda from the Circle K. This winner nearly ruined that ritual for me.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

The greatest Hot Dog EVER!!! The Messican Heart-Attack.

First of all, you need to grow some man titties like I've done. It was cold this night (New Years Eve).

We decided the best way to make a great thing better was to add bacon. Behold! The Bacon wrapped hot dog. Now, the construction...............................................

1. A bun. I know, "no shit", but I actually wanted to use a sandwich roll.

2. Slather generously with some home made guacamole, or store bought if you don't know how to make it.

3. Put some home made salsa on top of the guacamole. OK, you should just go with store bought with any of the stuff that I put as home made, but if you can, go home made every time.

4. Remember those bacon wrapped phalluses??? Time to place it in that bun. Safety note: remove the toothpick that was used to hold the bacon or you'll slice the hell out of your mouth, my kid was dumb enough to figure this out the hard way.

5. We had a big old pot of beans, yeah they were home made, and so now we slather that on top of the dog.

6. My wife put together some Queso dip with Velveeta cheese, chilis, ground pork, and italian sausage. Put that shit all over the top of this heart stopper.

OH YEAH!!!! Look at that future doctor bill.

Now eat that son of a bitch and hope you don't have a stroke or a heart attack!!!!

Friday, January 1, 2010

2009 Sucked Donkey Scrotum, some things I learned

1. Don't drink at a party and get in a fight. Jail and lawyers are expensive.
2. Talk to your spouse, or you can end up living in a friends basement for a few months.
3. Fruit flies have the biggest sperm.
4. Holding tanks have at least four jailhouse lawyers waiting to be convicted at any given time.
5. I now know what's in my ball sack.
6. A job is a job is a job.
7. Whoever greenlighted the GI Joe movie should be ass raped with a branding iron.
8. Society is fucking retarted.......... at any age.
9. Bankruptcy, spiffy.
10. I love my family.