Saturday, July 6, 2013

My 4th of July feast can never come true.

Fourth of July just passed and I wanted to celebrate in a big way.  I didn't want hot dogs or hamburgers.   No steaks or potato salad.  I wanted to eat the most patriotic thing I could think of.  BALD EAGLE!

Then came the dilemma.  How does one acquire some bald eagle?  The simple answer.  You can't.  I looked on and on eBay after I tried finding a butcher or exotic meats vendor.  Well, bald eagle is a little too exotic.  It turns out that it is illegal to buy bald eagle meat because........... it is illegal to hunt bald eagles!

Conservation groups that raise the birds from hatchlings are no help either.  Apparently, they only raise them to release them into the wild, and are not a 'farm' that will sell a bird to a private citizen for the purpose of consumption.

It's not like I was trying to buy crack, or traffic a human being, or do something insane.  I just wanted to taste freedom and have the patriotism course through my veins and digestive system.

I even had ideas on how to dress and prepare the bird.  Rotisserie with an orange sauce.  Deep fried with cajun spices.  Baked and stuffed with sausage and corn bread.


Sometimes I just shake my head and laugh.

I was driving back from a movie with a friend on Saturday night.  I'm not sure why, but we started talking about my brother.  Then the phone rang.  It was the same brother I'd been talking about at that moment, and since my friend had never heard the lunacy that comes out of my brothers mouth, I decided to put him on speaker phone.  This is what transpired.

Me:  What's up fool?

Brother:  Holy shit, dude.  You won't believe what just happened.  It's so fucking weird.

Me: What?

B:  So I guess somebody has one of my old phones and posted pics to my Facebook with it.  I don't know what phone it is, but it's not the one I'm using because it doesn't have those pictures.

Me:  So what's the problem?  They're just pictures.

B:  They're pictures of my dick.......... and some big shits that I took.

Me:  (confused)  Why do you have pictures of your dick on an old phone?

B:  That's not the problem right now!  How do I get the pictures off of Facebook?