Friday, March 24, 2017

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Admission time:

I suffer from PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder.  It's not fun. The PTSD part I've learned how to compartmentalize a lot of it.  I can work through it.  Night terrors still happen, but not as often as before thanks to exercises I learned from my counselor.  

My big problem is the depression on it's own.  A lot of times I just have this empty feeling.  It's a sadness that has no purpose, no meaning, it's just there.  What makes it worse is when my overactive brain decides to hang a meaning on to that feeling, in essence making it twice as bad.  I go from "just sad" to "I'm pretty sure everybody would be happier and more fulfilled without me in there lives".  How in the hell does one get to that point?  Here's an example.  I start off with that feeling, then I start wondering if maybe somebody is going to text me or call me just to see how I am.  That doesn't happen.  Then I start becoming specific in my head.  Is my wife going to call me or text me.  That doesn't happen.  Then I start with the negative self talk.  "This is your second marriage and this woman doesn't want to talk to you either", "she obviously doesn't care what's happening with you because she decided to go on vacation by herself", "she literally left you to go out of state because she needs a break from you", "she's not going to call because she'd rather not talk to you".  Then I get a call and I'm good for about a minute, until I'm told "I'll call you right back" and I don't get a call back.  By this time I'm only wanting to talk to my wife, when my brother calls (or somebody like that).  But now I don't want to talk to them, I'm just waiting on this call back I was told about.  So I get anxious.  I wait and wait, constantly looking to see if I'm missing a text or call.  Then I realize how weirdly co-dependent I'm being.  Then I don't want any calls from anybody, because I don't want that to rationalize how I feel.  After that, I start thinking about my past.  Why people walk out of my life, why nobody understands me.  Other times I just feel lonely, because I'm the only one in my family that lives in this town.  I get jealous of my wife and her ability to always see her family and never really having to be away from them.  I feel ostracized from her family and group of friends because I didn't grow up out here and I don't understand their stories and their version of nostalgia.

My depression always seems to be attached to an additional feeling of loneliness.  I've been on my own since 17 years old.  It wasn't until my 30's that my mom or dad ever helped me out.  I made sure that the assistance was minimal. A small amount of money that I paid back within a month, with interest.  I have a hard time understanding people that always run to their parents for help, or others whose parents just give them financial assistance for no reason.  Like I said, I feel ostracized, because I didn't grow up like all these other people I know.   My ex-wife left me high and dry for another man. That's some cold shit and it fucks with a man's mind.  She bailed and left me as a single dad.  I felt very, very alone. My oldest son moved out the beginning of this year.  I'm proud of him, but I miss him being around.  My youngest is leaving to join the Coast Guard in a few months, I'll definitely miss him.  Loneliness hurts.  It's sad.

I do have a wife. I do love her with all my heart. She's good to me. I want her to love me like I love her, and I always want her to feel like she can do what she likes to do without fear of reprisal. I don't want to be co-dependent.  I have feelings of loneliness, but I usually stow them away.  I don't ever want her to know how bad it gets to me.