AQ the professional

I have become boring

2011-11-21T23:23:00.000-08:00

I've got nothing again. Nothing at all to say that would be of interest to the outside world. I have school in the morning and I am up typing on a blog that 7 people seem to follow at half past midnight, for what reason I don't know. And for what?

Explosive dookie cramp. I can't stop pooping. That is what my life has become.

This took a bad turn at the start.

Here is a picture of some chickens I hung out with in the Virgin Islands two weeks ago.

and one more pic...... of what Star Wars would have looked like if Jesus had played Han Solo.

I call it "Carbonite Jesus".

Bring Back the Food Stamp

2011-09-19T12:17:00.000-07:00

I don't like EBT cards. Those are the little fake credit cards that took the place of the classic food stamp.

With a food stamp, I could buy them off of a junkie for $o.50 on the dollar and purchase some quality steaks and other meats. I would be able to feed my family some quality stuff, and the junkie could go out and kill himself with whatever drugs he could purchase with the money I gave him. This in turn would supply money to the junkies dealer, who could use his ill gotten gains to purchase more drugs from suppliers. His suppliers could then purchase high end luxury items and live in massive homes in the hills. What I am saying is that food stamps were good for the total economy.

My second reason I miss the food stamp is ridiculous. I wish I could have about $500 in food stamps so that I could make it rain at the club with them. I imagine snotty bitches saying, "that's not real money", to which I would respond, "you tell that to the cashier at the supermarket you uppity bitch!".

I guess it would also be fun to tip strippers with food stamps as well.

Working from home

2011-09-05T01:06:00.000-07:00

I wish I could work from home. It would save me gas for my car and have time for my family. And it would afford me the opportunity to do weird shit while talking with customers without the threat of being fired.

I could sit around in a leather g-string while covered in peanut butter.

I could cut oranges with a samurai sword.

On break I could have sex.

I could urinate in a 2 liter bottle so that I wouldn't need to take bathroom breaks.

Porn or ninja movies could play in the background (on low volume, of course).

I could make a list of people to kill when the zombie apocalypse arrives.

I could sit around in a leather g-string while covered in peanut butter.

I could cut oranges with a samurai sword.

On break I could have sex.

I could urinate in a 2 liter bottle so that I wouldn't need to take bathroom breaks.

Porn or ninja movies could play in the background (on low volume, of course).

I could make a list of people to kill when the zombie apocalypse arrives.

I could play with my nipples.

The opportunities that would be available would be endless. And all of these people that work from home are probably squandering the opportunity that has been afforded them.

Penis!

2011-09-05T00:49:00.000-07:00

Penis, penis, penis

you're dangly like clay

Penis, penis, penis

With my penis I will play.

(sung to the Draedle song)

Really Mom?

2011-09-05T00:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a little over a year since my mother's husband died. At that time, my siblings and myself were her saving grace, her world, her support structure, and her safety net. Oh, how she loved us at that time. But my brother and I knew that it would most likely be short lived. We predicted exactly what would happen in time. She stopped calling any of us kids, stopped visiting my younger brothers and sister.

Why?

Because there is a new man in her life. Of course. A chunky version of her deceased husband. WTF!?!?!? Suddenly, he is all encompassing to her.

My youngest sister is knocked up, so mom was supposed to visit her and take her shopping for baby stuff. Didn't happen. She went on vacation to Disneyland with the new guy instead.

In 10 years, my mother hasn't visited me, because I live out of state, but I constantly here about how she has never been able to spend time with her grandkids. The last time my kids visited her, she put on the TV at her house and didn't talk to them, since she was too busy entertaining her now dead husbands family.

I wonder if the new dude is kicking down money for her, because I know that all of us kids did when her husband died.

Fuck it, I'm irritated. I'll stop before I start filling up more server space with rants.

Been a long time, but guess what I've learned in College.

2011-06-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

I have been going to school. A lot of school. The one thing I know I have learned is that our future in this country is............. FUCKED! I have heard stupidity come from the mouths of people once only believed to be possible in a Zucker Brothers movie. These mouth breathers are allowed to go to college, and I believe it is only to generate revenue for the college system, because there is no possible way that these people are going to be productive members of society. Here are a few of the gems that I have heard come from the noise holes of these geniuses. I have given the basic setting in parenthesis before the actual idiocy.

1. (In English class, we were told to read our descriptive essay in front of class. The essay was to be about a chance encounter with a famous person.)

"So, I wrote about my meeting with Megan Fox. So, I drive up to her place, and I'm like 'hey', and she's like 'yeah'. Then we leave in my limo. So, she's like 'what's up', and I'm like 'nothing'. So we party, and go home. I'm like 'later', and she's like 'yup'." The End.

2. (Same day, in English class, same situation)

"I wroted about Vicente Fernandez. He's a guy that sings romantical songs. So, I walk with him to the woods, and we hold hands, and then I lean on him and I smell him. Then I buy some perfume that smells like him." The End.

3. (English Class, we are writing contrast and comparison of music genres. This was written about the political view of a song.)

"Oh yeah, I'm not done with my paragraph, but I started it. Here's my first sentence." - The political view of the song 1st of tha Month by Bone Thugs N Harmony is about getting paid on the first of the month.

4. (In math class, after being shown multiple times how to work a basic formula)

"Well, I didn't do it like that and I got it right, so why do I even need to do it like that." The teacher responds "Even a broken clock is right twice a day, that doesn't mean it works."

5. (In history class, there is no basis for anything this guy said, so just think of any situation. He just loved to say............... whatever the fuck he was saying.")

a. "Khadafi want to make gold for Libya that looks like America"

b. "So that bunker for the president at the hotel is like Stargate"

C. "If you made a company work for America, you'll be assassins, cuz that's like Obama"

d. "Who's that Oriental news lady? Katie Couric? She was stationed with her Japanese grandfather in England"

e. "Did u see D-day? it was Omaha. Or some state, or country, like Omaha was. You know?"

f. "So you heard Osama has pictures, they're at 9-11, you know, and people see."

True facts I just made up

2010-11-22T23:35:00.001-08:00

1. Spaghetti is the number one killer of people that eat while they drive.
2. Pottery is not a popular hobby for people that have had their arms amputated.
3. Most people would rather drink urine than Drain-O.

Proposal

2010-10-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

My friend proposed to his wife on a hot air balloon. That was pretty cool.

My brother says that when he does propose marriage to a woman, he will only do it dressed in a Gorilla suit. He will grab that woman by the hair, throw her in a chair, and start throwing handfuls of shit at her face with the collection of feces he has stored up. Good news though, the 2 carat diamond engagement ring will be mixed into those dookie wads. Score one for that lucky lady.

The Taco Bell incident

2010-10-25T20:42:00.000-07:00

Last week I went to Taco Bell in between classes at the local community college. I ordered my food and ate. When I was finishing up I stood and went to use the restroom. But then it got weird.

I opened the bathroom door and saw a border brother (paysa, illegal, whatever) bent over the sink with a straw doing a rail of either coke or meth. As he finished his rail with a loud confident snort, he lifted one leg and released one of the loudest and longest farts I have ever heard. I didn't know what to do, especially when he turned his head and his eyes locked on mine. All he could do is mutter something like, "uuuughghghgh". I turned and left, baffled at what I had just seen.

That was surreal. No other way to describe it. But was it the worst thing I could have walked in on? I started to wonder that very question, and the easy answer is "NO". Here are ways it could have been worse.

1. He could have been slamming heroin while taking a shit on the floor.
2. He could have been receiving oral sex from another man while rubbing shit on the bathroom mirror.
3. He could have been smoking crack over the corpse of a dead hooker.
4. He could have been jerking off on top of his burrito supreme.

That list could go on and on. I just thank god I only had to witness what I witnessed.

Games to quench boredom

2010-08-10T00:40:00.001-07:00

1. At the mall, find somebody walking by themselves (preferably not an intimidating sized person), and follow behind them relatively close for an extended amount of time. When they stop to look around, lean in close and whisper "I could have killed you", then walk away.

2. At any store or public place, make eye contact with somebody. Once you lock eyes don't take your eyes away, point at the person and yell "YOU!!!!", and then run top speed in their direction.

for my wifes b-day

2010-06-12T23:09:00.000-07:00

We went to a club (in it's loosest sense). While there we saw these atrocities.

things in the dogs butt.... again

2010-05-08T20:06:00.000-07:00

How to cope

2010-04-25T13:58:00.000-07:00

I work at a call center. Not exactly what I feel destined to do with my life, but hey, it pays the bills.

So, as one might guess, I speak to quite a few angry people on the phone. Very, very, angry people. People who seem to believe that a two dollar increase on their bill constitues an emergency at 1:00 a.m. on a Saturday.

I was asked the other day how I deal with an angry person on the phone. Somebody that is just beyond unreasonable. Everybody has their own ways. Most people say they deal with these folks by "listening" or "trying to understand" the concerns that they have. Not me. I really don't care one way or another when these people are screaming at me for shit that they probably caused themselves (you have no idea how many people in the world scream at somebody about a bill that they just did not pay).

This is how I cope..........

When the individual begins on the aformentioned tyrade, sure I write down what the problem is so I can rectify it, but that's the only thing I have in common with the others in the office.

I immediately look at the profile to see if there is a spouse or children. If not, I ask if they have a significant other or children. If the answer is no, then I have a difficult time grinding through the rest of the call. But if they do, then I can deal with it. I imagine that this person is insane, and that this bill has caused them to go over the edge. They have read this bill and now all semblence of reason is gone. Who will pay for this outrage? Those that are closest to him/her. The family, the loved ones. I may be on the phone with this person, but he has his family bound and gagged on the floor, a shotgun to his wifes head, and if I can't calm this person down, they are dead! With every word spoken, I am just steps away from either saving this other persons life or ending it. That shotgun just keeps pressing into her head, harder and harder, cutting into her scalp, causing bruises to form and blood to seep from the edge of her temple where the cold steel has pushed through the skin. Every time he says hold on and covers the phone to talk to somebody else, I don't hear them say, "this company is fucking stupid" or "I swear I'm never using them again", I hear, "shut up bitch! This asshole is gonna make or break you". And then I stay calm and walk them through whatever is happening.

I have saved this families life. I am amazing. And this customer is an asshole.

BANG!!!!

Spammers on blogs

2010-03-10T23:26:00.000-08:00

So now we have spammers leaving shit in the comment sections of blogs. This is extremely important as they all seem to be selling penis enlargement pills. If you wanna spam something, how about a cure for cancer, or AIDS, or diabetes for all the fatty mcfat fats out there. 9 comments had to be sorted through today, and each one had an important medical link expressing the increasing importance of girth in male genitalia. If there was a drug out there that would make our cocks 19 inches long and 6 inches in diameter, there would be no need to advertise, because we would of already found it and bought it. Keep up the good fight though spammer/scammer of America, maybe you could start selling pussy in a bottle or something.

Any Embalmers, Morticians, Or Funeral Directors

2010-02-05T00:26:00.000-08:00

If an adult decides to get braces on their teeth, but then suddenly dies, are the braces removed before the viewing and the mouth sewed closed? What if I want to have a smile in my casket? Would a funeral home grant such a request? I don't have braces, but I have friends that have decided to get them in their 30's. I'm just trying to help them with the off chance that they die and want to be shown with a happy expression at their funeral..... just not metal mouthed.

most original names........ or a slap in the face of progress???

2010-01-25T23:31:00.000-08:00

My friend Michelle was talking to me a few weeks ago about horrible names people have. I've seen quite a few over the past few years, but all I could say is wow when she told me this story.

Her mother is a foster care provider who took in two twin boys from the Bronx (her mom lives on Long Island). Their names were pronounced "O-ron-ja-lo" and "La-man-ja-lo". Strange enough names in and of themselves. But then she told me how they were spelled.

Orangejello

Lemonjello

Oh God, please kill the stupid people that infest this world with their idiot speak that they try to hide as creativity.

Regarding the handling of illness

2010-01-20T21:51:00.000-08:00

If you ever happen to be in a situation where you are sick with both nausea and diarrhea, please, use this advice. If given the moment where you have to decide whether to vomit in the toilet or spray your intestinal goo in it, for gods sake, sit on the toilet and shit. Vomit on the floor. Remember, if you are sitting on the toilet, you can at least try to aim your vomit between your legs and get some into the toilet. If you are the other way around, you will get all your vomit in the toilet, but the diarrhea spatter will either be all over your pants, underwear, legs, and maybe even back, or even worse, if your pants were already down, all over the floors, walls, etc......

Until today I didn't know

2010-01-11T09:16:00.001-08:00

Until today I didn't know my body could ingest, process, and expel food in less than an hour. But now I know it is with the help of Circle K.

Booger in the dressing room

2010-01-08T11:31:00.001-08:00

nothing

2010-01-08T11:29:00.000-08:00

I should have talked terrorist.

Nice.

2010-01-08T11:14:00.001-08:00

Look at what the old lady is buying this beautiful sunday morning before church. Tissues, water, bananas, and....... wait a second..... is that........... IT IS!!! A 40 oz. of Olde English Malt Liquor!!!!

Sunset

2010-01-08T11:11:00.001-08:00

Looking out from a balcony at work.

Chillin at the Circle K

2010-01-08T11:09:00.001-08:00

Come around midnight I tend to get cravings for soda from the Circle K. This winner nearly ruined that ritual for me.

The greatest Hot Dog EVER!!! The Messican Heart-Attack.

2010-01-03T23:45:00.001-08:00

First of all, you need to grow some man titties like I've done. It was cold this night (New Years Eve).

We decided the best way to make a great thing better was to add bacon. Behold! The Bacon wrapped hot dog. Now, the construction...............................................

1. A bun. I know, "no shit", but I actually wanted to use a sandwich roll.

2. Slather generously with some home made guacamole, or store bought if you don't know how to make it.

3. Put some home made salsa on top of the guacamole. OK, you should just go with store bought with any of the stuff that I put as home made, but if you can, go home made every time.

4. Remember those bacon wrapped phalluses??? Time to place it in that bun. Safety note: remove the toothpick that was used to hold the bacon or you'll slice the hell out of your mouth, my kid was dumb enough to figure this out the hard way.

5. We had a big old pot of beans, yeah they were home made, and so now we slather that on top of the dog.

6. My wife put together some Queso dip with Velveeta cheese, chilis, ground pork, and italian sausage. Put that shit all over the top of this heart stopper.

OH YEAH!!!! Look at that future doctor bill.

Now eat that son of a bitch and hope you don't have a stroke or a heart attack!!!!

2009 Sucked Donkey Scrotum, some things I learned

2010-01-01T02:48:00.000-08:00

1. Don't drink at a party and get in a fight. Jail and lawyers are expensive.
2. Talk to your spouse, or you can end up living in a friends basement for a few months.
3. Fruit flies have the biggest sperm.
4. Holding tanks have at least four jailhouse lawyers waiting to be convicted at any given time.
5. I now know what's in my ball sack.
6. A job is a job is a job.
7. Whoever greenlighted the GI Joe movie should be ass raped with a branding iron.
8. Society is fucking retarted.......... at any age.
9. Bankruptcy, spiffy.
10. I love my family.

LO-LO's Chicken and Waffles!!!

2009-12-31T13:15:00.001-08:00

Ewwww!

2009-12-28T08:58:00.001-08:00

Somebody wiped a booger on my dogs back, but my dog is stupid, so he didn't care.

Listed below and the two underneat are my xmas eats

2009-12-25T18:52:00.001-08:00

Turkey, rice, and beans

2009-12-25T18:31:00.001-08:00

Posole

Chillin at the Vato Mart

2009-12-16T09:55:00.001-08:00

I call this "shopping on a wednesday"

49er 4 Life

2009-12-15T18:59:00.001-08:00

In case you have some down time this Xmas

2009-12-15T18:50:00.001-08:00

This is a real book. SWEAR TO GOD!

SPLAT!

2009-12-15T18:47:00.001-08:00

Ker-splat. Fuck you pigeon!

Basic theory of evolution proved wrong..... by me!

2009-10-26T14:12:00.001-07:00

This basic principle is something that I have found to be bullshit. In most logical situations it is dictated that our world is survival of the fittest. NO!

On a daily basis I speak to what should only be the exception to the rule. But since this is every day, it is not an exception, it has become the rule.

The majority of the world cannot use simple problem solving skills, create basic sentences, annunciate words, or make decisions on their own. I speak to 40 year old men that have their mother and/or father pay their bills, because they don't understand how to do that on their own. I have seen 20 somethings that cannot count back change at a McDonalds. Without somebody else to work whatever issue or problem they have, they would be destined to life underneath a highway overpass, or eaten by wolves as they wander through the wolf pen at the zoo. These people are not the "fittest" for survival by any means, and yet they are still here. If they had been a seal, a zebra, or gazelle, they would have been eaten before ever hitting sexual maturity because of the inability to function without the help of others.

That's it, that's all I have to say.

My dog is stupid.

2009-10-09T11:54:00.000-07:00

This is Arjay, my 92 pound Pitbull. For his size, he has a tiny brain. He is not smart and he proves this daily. For the last couple of years he has been in the habit of finding things that should not be eaten, and eating them. This has caused us numerous headaches in terms of having to pull things out of his asshole. We have pulled out washcloths, lanyards for keys that go around your neck, and parts of stuffed animals, amongst other things.

Today, he came in the house and had this hanging out of his asshole - a strip of a sock wrapped in his own shit. I just figured I'd share this with the world, but just remember that this isn't the worst thing to ever be pulled out of his asshole.

Newest thing not to ask that's sexual

2009-09-25T20:54:00.000-07:00

Never ask your significant other to lay in a tub full of ice for an hour, put on white make up, then lay perfectly still on the bed while holding his/her breath during sex.

Actual Conversation

2009-09-25T20:49:00.000-07:00

This was about the "Real Doll", a sex toy that resembles an actual grown woman.

Person 1 - "Dude, I want a real doll that is like 4 ft tall with pigtails, like a midget."

Person 2 - "That would look like a fucking kid man."

Person 1 - "Yeah, it would be hella funny if you could make it talk and say, 'I'm gonna tell my dad' "

Person 3 - "It would be even funnier if it said, ' I'm tellin Mom! '

Eternal Optimism

2009-09-25T20:41:00.000-07:00

My brother just moved into a REALLY big house in the hills with a friend of his that has a grip of money. 6 bedrooms, indoor pool, sauna, gym, etc...... But it is really out there in the hills with all sorts of wildlife.

So he called me to tell me about the house, but he had both good news and bad news about it.

The bad news was that when my cousin went to visit him, he told my brother he probably has mice because he found rodent shit in the kitchen and laundry room.

The good news was that the next morning when my brother woke up, he found a baby rattlesnake in the kitchen that will eat the mice.

Stereotype day at the Vato Mart

2009-09-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

One day this won't be the norm, but today it was like walking through a racial stereotype come true at the Mexican super market. I'm part Mexican too, but goddamn, really???? On this day every other woman was knocked up with kids in tow, and at any time a few of them could of gone into labor.

And then there was this winner with the traditional "Sharpie" eyebrows.

Unintentional Porn!

2009-09-07T14:57:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Ian for finding this during his travels this summer.

Today I learned some Navajo words!

2009-08-28T16:26:00.001-07:00

Today I learned how to say vagina in Navajo. Zuge.... I think thats how its spelled. Its pronounced sz-oo-sh. Oh wow! And Penis is cho. Pronounced ch-u.

A Ridiculous Fear

2009-08-28T16:18:00.001-07:00

In hospitals people have cathaters and urine bags. If this bag of urine broke in this room, then i would be trapped and drowned...... by piss.

Terrorists love Taco Bell, too

2009-08-27T20:35:00.001-07:00

Al zirkawi eating at Taco Bell, plotting our demise.

2009-08-24T21:40:00.001-07:00

Giant bread phallus

2009-08-24T21:38:00.000-07:00

The double dong pastry

2009-08-24T11:20:00.001-07:00

Little person sighting

Air Force Specialty Code 2T1x1

2009-08-24T11:18:00.000-07:00

vehicle operator trauma room.......... I think.

Taliban Time

2009-08-22T22:47:00.000-07:00

About two weeks ago I had a discussion with friends at a sports bar about my hair and beard. Right around early 2007 I had started to grow a pretty gnarly beard, but I cut it because my wife said I looked like a homeless terrorist. All my friends said it was incredible and scary at the same time. My wife has been on me for years to let my hair grow, something I absolutely hate doing. I've always liked a nice clean fade on the side of my melon. Long hair gets in my way and is irritating. I struck a deal with my wife that night in the sports bar. I will let my hair grow, but only if I am allowed to let my beard grow freely. All hail the coming of the Taliban mixed with Joaquin Phoenix!!!!

The Evolution so far:

I have no true original ideas at this moment

2009-08-11T23:07:00.000-07:00

So here's some rambling on the spot poetry.

Run, Run, Run
Fat Jiggly Ball of Goo
Run to the store and buy pig fat
To mix with your food to make poo
You are so fat, obese, and diabetic
But still gay enough to read L.Ron Hubbards "Dianetics".

Wow, that was art right there.

quick update

2009-08-09T03:53:00.000-07:00

For simpler access, the website has changed names from www.wuteyesed.blogspot.com to www.aqtheprofessional.blogspot.com

This was done because nobody could hunt me down on google unless they typed in, "What does whale shit look like?"

Willy Wonka would be a Bad American

2009-08-09T02:39:00.001-07:00

As corporations crumble and our economy goes to hell, I can't help but blame the fictional Willy Wonka Candy Company for starting the whole problem.

At one time this mega corporation employed people at it's super factory and it's many free standing brick and mortar stores. Life was good. People had homes close by. The employees seemed to enjoy their menial positions and fair wages. But then it happened.

One small bit of corporate espionage and the CEO of the company turned his back on all the wage slaves that had built his empire. In the 1970's he commited the first known act of outsourcing by bringing in foreign Oompa Loompas, who worked for beans, literally, to take over all positions at the factory, causing everybody in the immediate area to lose their jobs and benefits, thus in turn causing the local economy to collapse while he still raked in the money. If that wasn't enough, by the end of the decade he had also closed down the candy shops that employed the even more of the local community and pumped money into the same economy by way of business and property taxes. When this was taken out of the equation even more of the city's basic services were cut. All to save a buck and line his velvet pockets with even more profit, while childrens teeth were rotting away.

Shame on you Mr. Wonka. It's because of your business model that corporations today send even the most basic of telephone answering positions to places like India, leaving an even larger unemployed number of people that can no longer afford basic health care. Then these same companies move their corporate offices to places off shore to avoid paying taxes that would benefit the community by providing funds to things such as health care, education, and emergency services.

In short, Fuck You Willy Wonka!!!

So stupid

2009-08-09T01:36:00.001-07:00

First of all, The Chad and I have decided that we don't need to go to any other store ever again for Christmas gifts.

While in Gilroy a few weeks ago, I was almost hungry enough to buy these.

This might not seem too amazing, but at the doctors office we saw this lady, who was of normal size and stature, with the most disturbingly skinny ankles.... EVER! I just wish the crappy camera on my phone had better resolution.

My GTA San Andreas trip in 72 hours... and food

2009-07-28T15:30:00.000-07:00

Day one - We leave Phoenix and pass through Los Angeles (Los Santos) to head north to San Jose. I take no pictures of my brief time in So. Cal because I don't give a shit about that part of my trip. In hindsite, I should of, to complete my track of this trip. Oh well. I show up to San Jose about 5 in the afternoon, stop at my grandfathers,

Grandfathers house in East San Jose

then drop my stuff off at my cousins house, and leave to pick up my brother in Santa Rosa. I have to pass through San Francisco (San Fierro) to get there.

Day 2 - The next morning I wake up to eat a healthy breakfast of Fish and French Toast. Don't knock it til you try it!

Went back to Grandpas house to visit, and we went to a seafood buffet after that. That night we went to the strip club and ran into my buddy Easy from the forum. I don't have strip club pics, basically because, have you ever tried to get a camera into a strip club??? Good luck with that.

Then we drank beer, and smoked medicine.

Day 3 - One more visit to Grandpa, say by to the cousins, and off to brunch at Iguanas. Dad and I tried to tackle the Burritozilla, but sadly, we failed.

Had to drive Daniel to Santa Rosa and drop him off, so one more pass through the City and over the Golden Gate.

These are Penis's on the side of a bus reminding you to get checked for venerial diseases

Then onto Las Vegas (Las Venturas), which is a fucking long drive. We ate at the MGM Grand Buffet.

And as we left, we saw these winners. Weight limits on clothing!!!! Especially in Vegas!

Then we came back to Phoenix, where I now sit sweating to death with my scrotum stuck to my leg.

another accident witnessed.

2009-07-02T10:57:00.000-07:00

Oh Arizona, how your drivers remain retarted and constantly increase your insurance rates. So here's a couple of pics I was able to snap when an SUV decided it could cut in front of a straight line truck with no problems. Ha ha! Fucking morons. Sorry they're grainy, I took them with my phone.

My dog previewed this post and gave his opinion. Fuck that dog.

Nothing to post but a picture of food

2009-06-27T23:14:00.001-07:00

A celebration of hot links, pork ribs, beef brisket, and mashed potatoes with country gravy. My blood actually doesn't even move any more.

my brother visits a weed co-op

2009-05-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

Medicinal marijuana is cultivated and distributed to Canabis Clubs in California, and my brother got to visit his Shangri-La.

WOW!

oh lord, the fuck whales were at the club again

2009-05-17T22:05:00.000-07:00

That's what I call bitches that are way too chunky to wear club clothes that are too small for their ever expanding girth, but they still wear them to try and pull a man into their rolls hoping they'll get some ding dong. Look at this one.

(click on photos for better views)

Clubs = I no Likey

2009-05-16T02:11:00.001-07:00

I went out with the wife to some nasty little local 'club' and drama ensued. A bunch of cholo fuckers decided they wanted to boss up and act hard. I was hoping to see somebody get seriously injured, but it didn't happen. Maybe beat with a bat or shot, but no. Too bad. They were all in the middle of the street and all I could imagine was somebody pulling a "Grand Theft Auto" move and driving through them like bowling pins. I giggle inside when I think about it. I fucking hate going to clubs.

My buddy is an asshole

2009-05-10T01:10:00.000-07:00

Apparently he reads the local news and sees this, then sends me an e-mail asking if it's me. What the fuck??? Then I saw the pic and it kinda weirded me out.

News story below:

PHOENIX -- Surveillance cameras captured a bank robber in the act Sunday afternoon, and Scottsdale police hope someone will recognize the man, authorities said.
The man walked up to the window at the Bank of America inside the Fry's on Thomas Road and passed the teller a note saying he had a gun and demanding cash, police said.
After receiving the cash, he fled in a small, white passenger car that had at least one other occupant, police said.
Nobody saw a gun, and there were no injuries reported, police said.

For the record. That is not me. I do not rob banks, and I definitely don't own any Rocawear clothing. And why would I post this? This is proof that everybody in the world has a doppleganger. Fuckin' crazy.

The plan for the buffet

2009-05-06T22:56:00.000-07:00

This is a hakapik. It is the tool used for clubbing seals and dragging the carcass to a processing point during seal hunting season in Canada. The blunt end is slammed into a seals head, which in theory, will instantly kill the animal. Pretty vicious, I know. I am buying one.

When I buy it, I am taking it to a local buffet with me. These are your buffets in the sense of Hometown buffet or Golden Corral. I am taking it because of the "buffet killers". These are the 400 lb walruses that hover around the buffet and inhale everything before I get a chance to eat.

In defense of my own appetite, I will use it to club these tubby fucks, and then drag them away from the sneeze guards. And I will be a hero.

Awesomeness in animal form

2009-05-06T22:49:00.000-07:00

FIRE!!!

2009-04-26T21:20:00.000-07:00

Leaving the game last night we ran into this on Interstate 10 west bound.

That's a fucking car engulfed in flames right in the middle of the highway. Super cool stuff.

my impression of the inflatable tube guy.

2009-04-26T00:32:00.000-07:00

Delicious

2009-04-24T08:32:00.000-07:00

Until this night at the fair I had never indulged in fry bread with beans that had both sugar and honey on them.

Just in time for summer

2009-04-24T08:23:00.000-07:00

The absolute freakiest Hannah Montana item for kids. The towel that watches you in the shower. This was at a local Wal-Mart and freaked me out for real.

I love Vagina

2009-04-18T22:59:00.000-07:00

It's TRUE!!! Women do hit their peek around 30 or so. I can't keep my old lady off of me. And you know what? I'm cool with that. I have found a new love and respect for vagina. I've even noticed that I've been eating more things that are pink in the center, just to remind me of vagina.

I'm going to make a new bumper sticker that reads "Real men love Jesus.... and Vagina!".

Otherwise they probably love penis and butthole love. And that's gay. Not vagina loving at all.

My Time in the Sand Revision

2009-04-18T22:53:00.001-07:00

Here's a video that my buddy made of one of the convoys we did hauling shit from Kuwait to Iraq. Sick fucker put this music with it. Groovy.

The Mobile Vietnam Memorial

2009-04-05T20:46:00.000-07:00

There are few monuments in this country that actually make me feel proud, but the monument that our veterans have made to honor the fallen from the Vietnam War is amazing. The war itself is not a moment of pride for this country, but the comradarie and brotherhood that these soldiers, airmen, sailors, and marines had for one another shows in the shimmering polished black surface of the memorial, where name upon name is listed to remember somebody who gave the ultimate sacrifice. Doubly impressive is that there is a mobile version of the monument that travels the country so that those who can't make the trip to Washington D.C. can still be touched by it. And in an act of respect for our servicemen that have had to engage in conflicts after Vietnam, the caretakers of this monument have included a makeshift monument of dogtags showing the names of personell that have been killed in Desert Storm, Grenada, Operations Iraqi Freedom and Enduring Freedom. Here I have taken pictures of the moving wall, the area it was set up at, and the names of four of my friends and fellow airmen that are now listed on dogtags.

Piss Belly

2009-03-31T00:04:00.000-07:00

Women of the world. I have told your asses numerous times. Wear clothes that fit. I'm tired of repeating myself. If I catch your baby making ass in public with a shirt that doesn't cover your piss belly, I will take a picture of it and post it for all to see. This was not a "cute" look, this woman kept having to pull her shirt down to cover the c-section scars and cell-u-jiggle that she calls her stomach. Because of the apparant swelling on either side of her gut, I would suffice to say she was storing extra urine for some type of territory marking ritual later (hence - piss belly).

I always wondered what an action star does for extra money.

2009-03-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

Apparently, Jackie Chan works as a doctor of Sports Medicine in Modesto, CA.

Pigeons

2009-03-19T20:23:00.000-07:00

Fucking nasty little birds. I always seem to see some of the dirtiest, most jacked up pigeons throughout my travels. One time I saw a pigeon with only the two outside toes on each of his pigeon feet. I called him "Nubby".

Then there was the pigeon that was straight O.G. Missing eye, broken leg, covered in oil, and just didn't give a fuck. He went right up to my cousin and tried to peck a hole in his leg. I'm pretty sure that bird had AIDS.

I want to take time out of my day to take pictures of these rats with wings, to do their nastiness justice. I will eventually post some of these pics for all to enjoy. So stay tuned. I found a pic on the internet that is not mine, but it demonstrates what I am looking for.

Captain Slap-a-Kid

2009-03-11T22:59:00.000-07:00

I have decided that I should wear a ski mask every time I go to Wal-Mart. Not to rob it, but to be a modern super hero, by running up anonymously and punching the shit out of kids that are throwing tantrums in the middle of the store because mommy won't get them what they want.

Idea to fruition

2009-03-11T10:36:00.001-07:00

Toilet Humor is funny.

2009-03-11T10:35:00.001-07:00

Leopold the Lion says........

2009-03-11T10:31:00.000-07:00

Get a better camera because I'm trying to show you my balls.

I say that's "gay"

2009-02-25T21:14:00.000-08:00

I don't know at what point it happened, but apparently it is now considered fashionable to dress like a pansie. Now I know that gay people are renowned for a sense of style, but a sense of style and dressing like a bitch are two different things. Here's my example:

I went to get some food the other day for lunch, and standing in front of me in the line was a guy in his mid 20's.

He was wearing -

1. Skinny jeans (the type that are so tight, you can count the change in his pocket)

2. Penny loafer shoes with no socks

3. A bright pink, skin tight shirt, with black polk-a-dots all over it.

Now I just have to let it out and say it, I thought this dude was flaming gay. Everything about his persona yelled out, "I need cock in my mouth!". And then I was floored when his girlfriend asked him to make sure and get her a drink. What THE FUCK?!?!?!?!

I must be old now, because I don't understand how fashion has gotten this androginous.

When I started to tell my wife about this, she also had the same idea that I did, that he was gay. But then I told her about the girl and she suggested that he might of bought his ensemble at a gay-centric store. I asked if she actually knew the name of any and she said, "No, but I think we could make a killing if we opened one up." "We can call it..... PICKLES AND DICKS".

Sake and Beer and Squid and Shrimp and Octopus, and.............

2009-02-20T21:09:00.000-08:00

I do love eating. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Thing is, my wife doesn't like some of the things I eat. Tough shit. Motherfucker, I likes my fish sauce with breakfast rice!!!! Oh well, she did go out to Kabuki with me though, and we had a good ol' time. $1.50 draft beer (Kirin) and $1 sake, together with spicy Udon noodle and sushi = stinky good fun. Here's a little of how it played out.

1. Octopus sushi. Extra delicious because of the suction cup suckers still attatched.

2. Udon noodle with squid, mussels, scallops, and shrimp.

3. Hot sake. It's warmed up so that it gets you fucked up quicker. Those wiley Japanese!!!

4. Kirin beer for a chaser, because let's be honest, sake tastes like shit.

5. After enough sake and beer, you start building monuments to your own drinking.

I'm a cowboy

2009-02-16T20:14:00.001-08:00

I want to dress up like a cowboy, and carry a lasso into a little persons convention. Then I want to chase those little dudes down and rope them as if I was performing in a rodeo where all the animals are midgets.

Once again, I've got nothing

2009-02-05T21:24:00.000-08:00

5 days into February and I've got absolutely nothing of interest to babble about. I got more ink done, but what the hell does that matter. I'm just tattooing myself out of future work. Come to think of it, most people get a theme going with their ink, I just have a hodge-podge of random shit. Fuck!!! I even blew that, I could of at least done a theme involving something like robot prostitutes or pics of dog assholes. I do want to fill in a few blanks with other shit though.

Oh wait, I do hate my neighbors, that's something. I called the cops on their dumb asses again for blocking my driveway. They do this shit probably twice a week, and we've been more than nice in asking them to move, but I'm tired of it. I was gonna flat drag their shit out of the way with a chain, but my wife and neighbor convinced me to call the local P.D. instead. Now everytime they do it, I'll just call and get their asses ticketed. I will wear down their stupidity by draining their checking account with traffic tickets. Fuck them.

What happens when you can't shut off your thoughts

2009-01-26T20:42:00.000-08:00

I was driving home, and my mind started going a mile a minute. And it was all about shit that I want to do deep in the darkest recesses of my mind.... but probably never will. It's at times like these that I have to step back and ask, "what in the fuck is wrong with me?"

I get really irritable and angry at times and that's when I start imagining the perfect situations to hurt somebody. Like I secretly wish somebody would make a move on my wife when I have a wrench in my hand, and then I swing it and break his eye socket wide open. I want to ball fist sock an asshole at a bar when he gets billigerent with me, and catch him right across the bridge of the nose, causing it to shatter. The off chance that I could get to break the legs of somebody I hate with a baseball bat or lead pipe. Or if somebody tried to rob the El Pollo Loco and I had a machete, would I have the chance to catch the fucker in the throat with it??? And would I even stop there? My brain keeps going and I imagine everything from pulling his teeth out one by one to finally dropping a knee into his jaw and shattering it.

Don't judge me. I have enough going on upstairs to know that I should never do these things; that they're wrong and should only be followed through in the most extreme of circumstances.

I mean, look at people who write horror films. I'm sure they have to think of shit like this.

I need a beer and a zoloft.

Ups and Downs

2009-01-25T19:15:00.001-08:00

I hate this year already. I am miserable with what I do for work, no matter how hard I try to like it. I try to convince myself that at least I have a job, but that doesn't help too much. Hell, my sense of humor is even starting to die. And now I'll be going bankrupt and losing my house. I guess I should just say fuck it all, and accept what's given to me. But I don't want to. I want to go back to school for something like water treatment, to get a new gig, and start this from scratch, build a new life for the family............ and then tell the world to go fuck itself.

You hear that world???? Go Fuck Yourself.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz......................

2009-01-23T21:46:00.001-08:00

Sleep, must have sleep. Very tired. Kangaroos throwing onions at a one eyed porn queen. Wow, look at how she takes that summer sausage. If she'd only freeze that wart off of her taint cheese. Money's for bitches without money. Beeeotchez!!!

Inauguration Day

2009-01-20T18:26:00.000-08:00

I am sick right now, and I am very grumpy. Kind of like an old man that wants to bitch. So here it goes.

Should this nation have had such a large celebration for Obama taking office? Honestly, we as a country have never celebrated so lavishly for presidents before (or at least I don't think we have), so why is this so much different? If, as a nation we had celebrated this way with Bush, we'd all feel like fucking retards right now. I keep hearing, "Oh, he's gonna bring change". Every time somebody takes office they promise change, no matter what party it is. So why not accept that we have somebody new in office, and make him work for our respect, instead of just handing him everything and expecting it all to work out. Remember, if he fucks up big time, this nation will bite it in the end.

Hooray for Codeine

2009-01-17T19:58:00.000-08:00

I have strep throat, and that sucks. But I am trying to be a positive person, and my one positive out of this is CODEINE!!!!! I got a bad cough and can't sleep, therefore I need a narcotic to sedate me legally. Thanks doctor, for understanding that I am miserable and need some hard drugs to calm my nerves. I think I'll mix it with some sprite and vodka later.

That's OK to do, right?

The main reasons I avoid New York City

2009-01-13T21:31:00.000-08:00

Every reason I have is based on American Cinema, so don't judge me.

1. German terrorists

2. The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man

3. Godzilla

4. Mutated Turtles that practice Ninjitsu

5. Elves that can control plantlife

6. Alien Invaders

7. Nuclear warhead strikes

8. Blizzards that cover the Statue of Liberty

9. Tsunamis

10. 30 foot tall Gorillas

Random picture day.... again

2009-01-13T21:01:00.001-08:00

My last few days have sucked gorilla scrotum so I'm gonna post a couple of pics that make me smile. But first of all I want to remind folks that Will Ferrell and John C. Riley are fucking geniuses. They produced the song "Boats and Hoes". Great song. OK then, some pics.

1. Never buy Sushi that's been sitting in the liquor aisle.

2. Weight limits on clothes, again....

3. Bang!!! Die mothefucker.... My good buddies M-4

4. On the same day or is it the same event???

5. We were going 88 MPH, but nothing happened, cheap bastard.

6. And finally, free advertising. That's a chicken breathing fire and destroying Times Square in New York City, and it's also the logo for Native New Yorker restaurant, who gets my endorsement for the best super mega awesome chicken wings available in this state.

Boycott Capitol One

2009-01-12T19:12:00.000-08:00

To all my friends, family, random readers of the usual bullshit I post:

Boycott Capitol One credit cards. I had one in the past and I'll give you a little background on what's happening with them.

Two years ago I was medically seperated from the military. Before that time I had quite a few credit cards that I easily paid every month because I had a gauranteed steady influx of money, a.k.a. a job. In September of 2006 I was released from active duty after a medical board deemed me not fit for duty because of recurring medical problems. I was given one months notice and found myself jobless. Suddenly I was scrambling to pay bills with less than a third of what my usual pay was while active duty. Being that I didn't want to be the typical sell out that just files bankruptcy, I called a debt consolidation company and was promptly put on a plan to help relieve my suddenly overwhelming debt. I have to date cleared about 4 very hefty debts. Unfortunately, Capitol One is not one of these companies that recognizes financial hardship suffered by our medically seperated veterans. My wife and I each had a credit card with them. Our debt that had accumulated equaled roughly $4600 for her, and $5200 for me. Our debt team tried repeatedly to reach them to negotiate either a settlement or a payment plan, but with no luck. In the last few months I have had to file with local courts because the company has decided to sue us, being as we're home owners and all (my disability pays my mortgage). Today we went to a pre-trial hearing where we thought we'd be able to finally work out a payment plan.................................................

And that's when the "oh shit" meter went off the chart. The lawyer sent to "negotiate" told us that my wifes debt wasn't $4600, but now ran $9800 because Capitol One doesn't deal with third parties, therefore our interest rate had compounded and late fees had been added. I agreed that we did owe the $4600 but that there is no way in hell I'm paying damn near double just because the company refused to talk with me until now. The lawyer went on to state that it was our fault because we used the card and signed a contract, therefore we are liable for all charges and interest accrued. WOW!!!!

Ok, I understand contracts are binding, I'm not arguing that. But at what point did it become alright to post direct blame like that? As I said, when I was in the employment of the United States Air Force, I paid that bill like clockwork, along with all of my others. So, what I am to understand is that if I use the card, like the company wants because it's how they earn interest on purchases, it is fine, but, do not get injured while serving your country as now you have become a liability that they will not associate with unless it is to sue you for an astronomical amount that you can not afford. WOW!!!

So here is what I am left with, I can

a. Settle straight up for 75% of the total amount (7350 for my wifes card) of which they want it all in full, and unless I rob a bank, it ain't gonna happen.

b. Go on a payment plan for around $75 a month, but the entire $9800 would have to be paid (that would take just less than eleven years)

c. Go Bankrupt

Banks have recieved a huge bailout from our government, to go back into the business of lending money that they do not have to begin with, causing us to pay these interest rates and late fees, which in turn allows them to loan more, causing us to pay more, on and on, etc... etc... I am a working, productive member of society and I would like to know if I deserve a bailout. My mistake wasn't done with malice, nor was it used to gain profit. I made the mistake of assuming that I would have a guaranteed job in our armed forces until I decided to retire, and it didn't happen. For this I am being sued by a company with billions of dollars in assets, who will not bend to the common man that is not trying to avoid payment of a debt, but just asks for some understanding, time, and to pay back what is actually owed - not an inflated idea of entitlement.

My ulcers are acting up again, because this is just part one of a two part fiasco. I still have to go to court for my credit balance in March.

In closing.

Fuck you Capitol One, I hope that everybody that uses your services stops paying you abruptly so that you can lose any liquid assets your company holds and you can go the way of all the other failed banks.

2009, Day one

2009-01-01T22:09:00.001-08:00

The realization of the suckiness that will be 2009 is setting in. I had nothing to do, except to update and transfer music from my wifes old iPod to her new one. My body hurts, and I'm hungover. I attempted to talk like a pirate all day long, but that just proved to piss off my wife. Nothing of importance seemed to happen on the news, but everybody kept talking about "it's a new year!!!" No shit, that usually happens on the 1st of January each year. My New years resolution was to not plan a resolution. So far, so good. I'm tired, and although I want to be happy, I just seem to stay angry at the stupidity of people. Fuck people. I am cutting back on my drinking, not as a resolution, but because I've been hungover for 3 days. It makes me feel like a typical drunk asshole and I don't like it.... plus it gives me the shits. I will go to my slave wage job tomorrow, and attempt to be happy, I doubt if it happens, but what the hell, it's worth a shot.

Fuck 2008

2008-12-31T18:09:00.000-08:00

Shitty job, shitty economy, shitty politics, fuckin doctors telling me what I have going on that'll kill me, fuckin wars that make no sense (still), gay ass gas prices, not being able to say "gay" without getting sued, not being able to make gay jokes, really shitty music on the radio.

Only good part of 2008........ summer movies. Not all of them, but there were a few.

Step-Brothers
Pineapple Express
Dark Knight
Iron Man
Tropic Thunder

Yeah, that's about it.

'Tis the Season

2008-12-23T20:40:00.000-08:00

Although I love Thanksgiving the most as far as holidays go (and don't give me a bunch of bullshit about Pilgrims killing Indians because I already know that), I do love me some Xmas time. I enjoy giving gifts to the kids and wife, and seeing how little they usually think of me, but it's all good because I get fed again, just like on Thanksgiving. It's also the time to remember our Lord and Saviour, Jesus. Believe it or not, I do go to church nearly every weekend, including christmas eve to pay homage to the actual reason for the holiday. I know it has it's pagan parts, like the tree being from the celebration of Saturnalia and presents being left by a giant pedophile in a red suit, but who cares. I don't know Jesus' real birthday, so I'll go with December 25th and be happy about it, and since he represented the start of the new testament, I think it's only fitting that we remember that eventually this will all come to an end, just read Revelations.........

ARMAGEDDON!!!!!!

That's why for Christmas this year, in order to spread peace on earth, I want guns. Lots and lots of firearms. And a barrel of napalm. Nothing keeps peace in tact like fully automatic crew serve weapons (believe me, I should know). I'm preparing for the end of days by ensuring I have a fully stocked armory to fight against the undead and the wave after wave of heathen looters that devolve back to animalistic survival tactics.

I know that this post suddenly took a turn for the worse, but fuck it, it's the only way to rationalize what I want for xmas.

Poetry time

2008-12-23T20:12:00.000-08:00

The Ball

The Ball is Red

I roll the Ball

It has rolled away.

I am Sad.

(slow snapping of fingers)

This poem originally recited by my nephew Roberto Gonzalez. No oohs and aahs, this fucker is 21 years old.

Reading books gives inspiration

2008-12-20T19:22:00.000-08:00

I saw a book using cute baby animals to deliver horrible news such as, "Grandma's Dead" and "I'm Banging your wife". I have now made my own versions.

Live football day

2008-12-07T21:49:00.000-08:00

Getting ready to leave.

The tailgating.

Outside the stadium.

The Ceiling was open on this day.

We may be at a Cardinals game, But we're 49ers through and through.

My Neighbor. Leo.

Fire makes anything better.

Hotdogs, beer, and soda. That makes any game perfect.

The Turtle.

The Wife and I.

Hooker Referees. I think these bitches were jailbait.

Time to celebrate after the game with more drinks.

And since it's Xmas time, we all hung out in front of the big tree by the stadium.

Boredom and free time

2008-11-30T20:53:00.000-08:00

We went out again. But before I hit the bars, I hit the tattoo parlor, because I have nothing better going on in my life. This is what I got done.

Then I went home and beat my kid into the floor for not getting me a beer quick enough.

just kidding, but it looks real. lol.

The Epiphany

2008-11-30T20:52:00.000-08:00

My brother has a mind that doesn't always turn off, even while sleeping. He woke up in a cold sweat three nights ago to realize, as he put it, "I don't think I like Will Smith's acting style."

Then he went back to bed.

My mom and her moving habit

2008-11-27T18:59:00.000-08:00

My mother is addicted to moving. My brother and I came to this conclusion years ago. I went to 14 schools in less than 12 years because of this. All of my family has had to deal with this crap though, not just him and I. I've got younger siblings that have gone through it too, and continue to. The only reason this even comes up today (Thanksgiving Day), is because my cousin asked me for her address and I couldn't give it to her...... because my mom just moved again. She moved an entire 9 miles down the road. I don't know why, nor do I want to. It's not humorous either. It might be funny if there was some weird circumstance that caused it, but there isn't. I've tried to give a backstory to it, you know, that maybe she killed a man and she's been on the run for the last 25 years, but she can't leave the state of California because of a rare phobia that would cause her head to explode. But no such luck. She's just crazy.

So this is the logic that has been uncovered from these life contemplations.

My mother could never have her own sitcom. There would be too many sets involved, and that would make it un-economical.

Done.

Harvel the Pigeon says..........

2008-11-21T22:36:00.000-08:00

I am a Pigeon.

I can pimp strut. Westside!!!

one night out

2008-11-15T10:32:00.000-08:00

So it started nicely.....

But as with all things, shit just got strange:

And of course the night always ends with someone about to vomit.

greatest game ever

2008-11-13T21:10:00.000-08:00

Bored with your life?

Don't know what to do for entertainment?

Just broke with no disposable income?

Then play this, the greatest free game ever.

The Booger, Day 16

2008-11-12T20:43:00.000-08:00

I said that I'd keep tabs on this gob of mucus in the bathroom and I have. It is day 16, and it hasn't been removed. Time waits for no man, but for snot, there is no telling.